The Idiosyncrasy of the Rambling Camilo

My moment

2011-06-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

I wanted to pause a moment today. It wasn't a funny nor dramatic moment, nor did a life changing event occur. I was just sitting in my car looking at the side of a building, completely at peace. Nothing bothered me, I thought of no deadlines, nor did I think of work. I didn't think of my crumbling relationship, or my financial status. I thought of nothing but how great it was to be alive. To be alive at this precise moment. To not have a care in the world, but at the same time care for the world immensely. I wish I could always live in this moment. That I could capture this moment in a fragrance, so that every time I feel stressed out I could just spray it and inhale it. Breath the moment anew again. Life is hard, but it's in these moments that make it seem worth while. It's a privilege to be alive. Many don't get the chance. Many waste their opportunities. Many hate, and love suspiciously. Too many are self absorbed with self importance, and many much too many have lost hope. This world is changing and the leaders that turn the wheels of Government have lost touch with society. They involve themselves with numbers and not faces. Statistics, and not individual stories. We the people stand alone because we have forgotten what together feels like. They have replaced our voices with voice boxes, a distant echo of what our voices once sounded like. Spirituality has been replaced with individuality, and our sense of identity is glued together by a repressed fear of who we think we are. We are a nation of lost souls. A moment was needed. Now I know why.

I was eaten by a lobo and spat out a new man

2011-05-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

Seldom do we get the chance to escape the routine of urban life. Sunday, I took that chance and ran with it. Me and my girl hiked three miles up a steep trail, carrying 40 lbs of gear, and an abundance of adventure. The bags were so heavy that the initial ten steps taken were a test of our heart and courage. It would have been easy to say never, to give up on our adventure, and chalk it up to a "good try, better luck next time". No, we decided to keep going; no matter how much our shoulders ached, no matter how uncomfortable it was, and no matter how many no's my mind could come up with, WE KEPT GOING DAMN IT!
Because of our Sunday work schedule we were not able to start the hike until 5:30pm. We had to get to camp by 7pm at the very least, so that we could have some daylight left to gather wood and set up camp. We didn't want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere in total darkness. So we marched quickly, checking in with each other, and keeping conversation to a minimum due to the fact that heavy breathing took it's place. We got to camp in just under an hour, a time in which I am very proud of. It was a real testament of how strong willed the body can be when faced with ultimatums. Once at camp we took a minute to catch our breath and then immediately went to work in setting up the tent. When that was done, we went on to gather wood. While I was gathering wood I couldn't help to think about how life was back in the days. The endless chores of things to do and things to get done. People didn't have time to get depressed or to wonder about the meaning of their existence. They were just trying to survive one twig at a time. Every piece of wood I grabbed I gave a mental thanks to it for letting me use it for the fire. It sounds silly to thank wood, but I believe that every object has a life, and every object is part of the glory of God. The death of the wood sustains the fire, and for this it should be thanked. The gathering of wood ended with a stockpile of timber sure to last us all night. There was still about 30 minutes left of daylight when we started the fire and began to eat our supper. It consisted of mini hot dogs as appetizers, rice and tuna for our dinner, and roasted marshmallows for dessert. We were set, or so we thought. It wasn't long after night fell that the lobos started howling. Initially me and my girl got real tense because although they sounded off to the distance, they sounded as if they were headed towards our camp. So we kept a sharp look out for them. Shinning the flash light at every ruffle of leaves around us. Most noises were made by rabbits or rats, but it was scary nonetheless. An hour had passed since we last heard the pack of lobos. So we began not to worry so much about them and enjoy our time together. We played music and talked about the importance of moments like this one. The importance of the break of urban routine. Out there in the wilderness you feel human again. We were wild long ago, and now I fear society has been tamed by ambition. It's important to progress, to have technology, to communicate with the world at lightning speeds, but it is also important to remain human. It's great to be interconnected, to have modern social applications such as twiter, and facebook. But it seems to me that these applications are used to acquire shallow objectives. We are officially in the "me" society. Pay attention to me, look at me, comment me, add me! We are the sheep bleating away one post at a time. Now here in the wilderness, I was what we used to be, the sheep bleating away wildly happily at being one with nature. Then, we heard them again. The lobos. Now their howls and chatter were even closer than before. We immediately put more wood in the fire, I picked up my axe and she her wooden weapon and braised for impact. We looked around, but saw nothing. At this moment I ceased to be Camilo the city boy, and became Camilo the human. Protecting my beloved was followed by the thought of seeking shelter. So we hid in the tent, looking out for any lobos through the cracks of our meshed window. There we stayed and sat for a few minutes. I immediately drifted into fantasy of what was to come if the lobos appeared. I had a game plan. I was going to turn the radio up all the way and make caveman like instinctual noises to scare them away. I was getting excited thinking about it. If they attacked the tend and we were in danger, I would wait it out until finaly it was absolutely necessary to give them a few good wacks with my hand axe. I was not going to loose my life or my beloveds life because of them. I just didn't want to take it to that place, I didn't want to spend my "relaxing" day off dismembering lobos. Needless to say, the never showed. We fell asleep, occasionally waking up to the sounds of the lobos near the camp. I said a prayer and they went away as quickly as they came. We woke in the morning drained, but grateful to have survived the night. We made breakfast and packed our things. As we headed back to civilization I thought of our mini escape from society. How we left it all behind to spend time with the animals and each other. I earned a new respect for my girlfriend. I learned how blessed I am to be with her, a strong spirit who never caved in to fear. Who was also able to carry her own weight without ever saying never. I also earned a new found respect for me. I had the courage to stand up, be a man, and protect my girl. Even though they never showed, they did in my imagination, and I was ready for them. I was ready to fight for survival if needed to. It's interesting when you watch action movies or scary movies, you always fell a sense of danger. But with it also comes a sense of safety. The movie can't jump out of the T.V screen and hurt you. No matter how advanced 3D technology gets, it will never happen. Lawyers just wouldn't allow it. But out here in the woods, there was no pause button, no turning off of anything. We couldn't turn off the sounds of the lobos, or the critters making the brushy noise near the tent. We had to endure it. Our only safety was found within ourselves and each other.

EPIPHANY

2011-02-26T13:11:00.000-08:00

Recently I've had the pleasure of being hired on as a script supervisor for a pilot. It shoots for six days over the weekends. The hours are kind of rough, 7pm to 7am, but totally worth it. I must say that I have learned more about acting in these last 4 days, than I have in the last six months. It's such an eye opening experience. Ultimately, I believe that acting is not as serious as I thought, and much more fun than expected. I think this is the mind set that I had initialy had about acting, but somewhere along the way, I got lost in objectives, sources, actions, that I forgot to simply be a kid in a sandbox.
Being part of the crew on the other side of things, has really given me not only a fresh new perspective on the whole process. but also a new added confidence. I used to be scared when walking on set. I guess it had to do with meeting everyone's expectations for the shot. I realized that no one, except for the director, cares what you do or how you do it. Everybody has a job that they are concerned about, and are too busy focusing on that task, that the acting becomes secondary to the whole process. So the judgement I've always felt was pretty much all in my head. I'm not so freaking IMPORTANT! And it feels great.

Also, I have realized that I can do this. It's not so hard, or at least it's not as hard as I made it out to be. I can't wait till my next audition.

Joaquin Sabina | 19 dias y 500 noches

2011-02-16T12:27:00.000-08:00

Someday I'm going to go to Spain to see this genius perform.

Missing my Creative Casa

2011-02-16T08:41:00.000-08:00

Lately it seems as if things have not moved fast enough for me. It's been a bit frustrating not to have someone to influence me artistically. I'm missing a guide. My acting is struggling. I've tried to turn to my acting teacher, but he is as available as I have been in my work lately. Lately, not yesterday, hopefully not tomorrow, but now. Before, I used to have someone that pushed me, that made me want to create. I used to think that I was going to change the world, this thought kept me going for a while. I'm overwhelmed by the immenseness of it all. If only people could be less selfish, if only I saw a sign of hope to keep my mission from crumbling. I have decided to create for myself, but for some reason this thought is not as alluring as the former. I want to give to the world, and recently the world has drained me. My speech goes unnoticed, and my connection to the outside world is awkward at best.
I began to write something... A play.
Somewhere along the way I got lost, caught up in realism, minimalism, transformationalism! I hope this play brings me back home.

Hands

2011-02-06T01:22:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about hands lately that has got me so mystified. You can really tell about a man in how they shake hands. A firm handshake is a must in my book. It's a sure sign of a solid individual. A half given handshake is a sign of a dishonest man, or at least one that doesn't trust you fully to give you a proper one. A handshake that comes in from the top instead of straight on is a sure sign of femininity. The handshake that barely grabs fingers, is a tell tell that the person giving this shake is appaled by you or the whole process of shaking hands.
This of course is really all hypotheticals, It's the data I've gathered over the course of time. I've really have not tried to keep track, but recently it has been impossible for me not to notice other peoples hands. The texture, feel, and size of the opposing hand relatively to my own. At times when shaking hands I get disgusted, but most the time I get completly curious about the other person via their hand.

I wonder what this all means.

stuck in the lost and found

2011-01-26T22:20:00.000-08:00

Haven't wrote in a while. Recently I've not had the time for it. Here it goes,

I got a new job. I started as a production assistant for a small production studio. I actually got the job through my sister. I made sure to work hard and be on time every day. My sister was a big part of the company at the time and I didn't want her to loose face on my account. So I busted my ass. My sister was the production coordinator at the time and was also running script supervisor when we were on set. My sister ended up leaving the company because she got offered a job at BBC running their Internet advertisement, or something like that. I'm still unclear of what she actually does, but apart from being exhausted, she is very happy there. Anyway, she left and they offered me her job as script supervisor. It's a much bigger pay rate and I don't have to do random errands or complicated coffee runs. The producer always praised my diligence at script supervising, even at times having the guts to correct the director and slowing him down if he needed to slate a certain take differently. So I feel as like a puzzle piece with a proper place now. Where people appreciate my work. Haven't felt that in a while. Last week the producer asked me if I wanted to do some office work in the morning, and I of course agreed under the condition that if I were to have an audition they would be willing to work with me so that I do not miss it. They agreed. So now like my friend (for whom I have not talked too, but recently was delighted to find her charming words on my page) I too work in an office. I make important calls, file away paper work, and have recently learned how to use excel. I had no clue what I was getting my self into. Lots of time the producer gives me a task and I have no clue how to accomplish it. I sit in my desk and try to figure it out for a few minutes while looking as if I know exactly what I am doing. I google things and get a few ideas. I might even ask the person next to me for a clue or two, then I begin solving the dilemma. I give myself a time frame and take it one step at a time. Once I'm done and figured it out I turn the project in to my producer and closely observe his body language. Projects assigned closer to the morning produce less body language from the producer than the once right after the lunch time. So I take this into account when trying to figure out if I accomplished my task correctly. Most of the time I pass with flying colors. There are a few times when I come home and laugh at what I had actually done at work, or said for that matter. I always feel so awkward in new social settings. Having never worked at a fully staffed office, combined with my natural awkwardness, makes for an amusing result. I wonder what people think of me? Yet, I believe this question is the root of the problem. Is it a problem? Perhaps this post is a bit to harsh on myself, I'm not that weird, am I?

I believe I'm stuck in the lost and found...

Dear God

2010-12-24T11:34:00.000-08:00

Dear ten pound just born baby Jesus,

I think I deserve a lump of coal this year, but next year will be better. Thank you for always staying by me even though my faith has drifted in all directions. Thank you for your grace and mercy. If I were to ask for anything this year, I would ask for forgiveness. If I could just have one more shot at it again, I won't waste this turn. I've been reckless with my spirit, please cleanse me from all evil and negative energies that surround my body. Let me learn to cherish all moments spent with loved ones, make the best of things, and never ever to look back, unless it is to help an old friend in need of it. Bless all my loved ones Lord. Thank you for my family, for my friends, and spiritual guides. May you always point me towards the right direction and never let me stray away from my life objective. Lord, give me the courage and fortitude to guide people towards the direction of hope. Help me to leave my insecurities behind me and focus on the future ahead of me. No matter what the obstacles, let me turn to you to get me through it. Please bring this new year a new light. A light of compassion, openness, and oneness with You and the rest of the world. I know I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. I am human, a mere man. A mortal made of flesh and bone. Forgive me if I come short of the mark, but a mark surely I will make. Guide me and help me to make my mark a spark for future generations to come.

Amen.

Merry Christmas.

Camilo

May I Help You

2010-12-14T10:36:00.000-08:00

The sounds of drilling just outside my door, combined with the meditative music coming from my computer, should make for an interesting blog. I used to have someone very close to me that left, actually this has happened before. Starting with my father, the cycle seems to never end. I saw a psychic the other day, she told me to come back today. Apparently the reading is over and she could share with me the results. I found it interesting that when I called her this morning she answered the phone with, "May I help you?". In the world of caller ID, this phrase seems to be unnecessary when knowing the person that is calling you. It's a nice way to answer the phone anyway, I just thought it was interesting that's all. I'm a bit nervous for my read. The things she told me when I was there were right on. She even mentioned that in 1990 I had something tragic happen to me. She asked me if I had moved? That was actually the year that me and my family moved from Chile to the U.S. I had forgotten how tragic it was, and how many friends I left behind. I had forgotten the tears I had when waving goodbye to my family from the car window. Over time I guess I adjusted. I think I still carry all these feelings with me, subconsciously at least. So, I'm going to go back to the psychic today and tell you all about it. I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but I figure I can tell you, the anonymous figure that reads these grammatically incorrect and incoherent blogs. Sorry about that.

Oh, I think I lost my point. It was about friends and lost relationships. I think I somewhat covered it...

...I think I took it for granted. Everything. Everyone.

Part one

2010-12-12T01:24:00.000-08:00

It's two in the morning and just got home from work. Tired, work was unsettling today. Still serving dinner and drinks to the masses. Now I'm home drinking my nightly doze of theraflu. Not because I feel really sick, but because it will help me go to sleep faster. I'm so wired from all the stress waiting tables produce. The money is good, and I would suggest anyone who wants a good (enough) income to try it. It's a bit demeaning sometimes, but most everybody is really nice.

Anyway this blog isn't really about serving tables, God knows much has been written on the topic. I am reading this book that talks about earth as a living thinking creature. It blows my mind to think that earth could be a bigger version of me. Science tries to explain and predict earth as a timely machine with no soul, and no inner workings of it's own. I don't think I like the scientific perspective. Before weather forecasts, when people wanted rain they danced for it. Now we just sit in front of the TV and expect it. I guess my point is: Where has the magic gone too? The shamans of the past are now replaced by business projectionist. The old prophetic wise men have been replaced by search engines. Where are we and where are we headed?

Chamomile is working on me now. Good night.

to be continued

Go ahead and Dream

2010-12-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, fearing coming home early to an angry girlfriend, I took a detour, and it was great. I stopped by borders to see if I can get my latest doze of truth. I grabbed a book in the metaphisical section that delt with personal freedom. I sat down and began to read it. I read it from cover to cover, spend about two and a half hours marveling at the abundance free knowledge I was recieving. The teachings were not of the author, but rather of the Toltec tradition. The ancient warrior of light who fought battles not just in the battlefield, but with themselves. We are brought up to be domesticated animals, and we are taught to dream society's dream. We as humans are always dreaming, even when we are awake. We know we are dreaming when we sleep, but forget that we are dreaming when we are awake because of the linear structure of the world. Once you realize that your whole life is a dream, then you can begin to control your dreams. You choose whether you live in hell or heaven on earth.

If you are interested in the book it's titled
THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO PERSONAL FREEDOM

Mathematical Sabbatical

2010-11-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

All my life I've thought numbers were not my friend. Yet, I stand corrected. I have made friends with numbers once and for all. The war between my left brain and the right has come to a halt, and perhaps a harmonious future between these two great powers can be achieved! I have managed to make a budget for myself, with complex tables and graphs, to which I have one month to this day completed. Here I thought my whole life that I was never going to be able to get it together financialy, and I have taken the first steps to avoid this catastrophic future.

It really all came out of necessity. Money has been really tight lately, so I decided to take a stand against my self destructive spending habits. I'm not a money person. It's not in me to be cheap with my money. But I must learn to manage it, and perhaps some day make it make more money. The goal is to provide for those that I love. Maybe, even give it in generous proportions to a stranger. But in order to get to this place I must have lots of it. So I need to learn how to save it, before giving it. I work at a restaurant, and as a server I am required to tip out my bus boys and who ever helped me that day. I've always tipped them generously, but now I will just tip them fairly. Last month, if I didn't make a budget for myself, and if I didn't meticulously write down everything I spend, I don't know what I would have done. I broke even this month, even though I had projected myself to be in debt by $100. So I did good. I really don't have anyone to turn to for money. Nor have I ever asked anyone for help. I always feel weird about these types of conversations and just try to avoid them. Anyway, I plan to keep on this track and see where it takes me.

I have a roast in the oven so I must go handle that.

-C

Elevation

2010-11-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

So the other day I told off a casting director. It's a long story and seeing that I already had to explain myself to my agent and manager, I'll tell you the short version of it. Basically the casting director yelled (when I mean yell, I mean in a tone that not even my own mother has spoke to me in) at me in front of the other actors for not doing as she had previously told me to do. I don't mind taking direction and if I'm doing something wrong, then I admit my faults and try my best to colaborate creatively. The fact of the matter was that I was not being paid to be there, she isn't the director, and in no way am I going to take being humiliated and disrespected by someone who thinks that they are "better" than me because they are a casting director. We live in a town of yes men/women, and I am not one of these people. After the audition I approached the casting director and politely pleaded my case for the right to be respected. I told her that I would never speak to her in the way she spoke to me because I have respect for her as a casting director, and that I would expect the same respect in return for me as an actor. She walked away from the conversation and I knew at that instant that I had won. Although, I knew perhaps I would never get called back to her office, I felt good. And, although I didn't mean to do this, I had told her off in the waiting room in front of all the other actors. You can just imagine everyones faces as I walked out, I wondered what they thought? Were they on my side? Did they think I was a prick? Did I inspire someone to someday stand up for themselves as I impulsively had done? Who knows. I get home and sure enough I get a phone call from my agent asking what went down. Apparently they had called to complain about me. I explaned to my agent the circumstances and by the end of the conversation he was on my side, still he said to never do it again. Also, the kicker is, the casting director wants me back. Yup, I got a callback. She liked my look and liked what I was doing.

I think I was 90% right, still I admit it was a dumb thing to do. I spoke to my sister on the phone about it and she told me to look at what truly set me off. After thinking and thinking about it I came up to the conclusion that I've been looking at acting completely backwards. I've been complicating the shit out of it. The casting director, as cunty as she was, had a good point. I was doing too much, I needed to be more simple. I guess I don't feel alive unless I feel it, and perhaps this notion has got to go. I've been running away from simply being me. This is a common malady of mine, me thinking that I am not enough. I've been watching a lot of T.V lately and specialy in sitcoms, there is this feeling of character that I get from the actors I'm watching. I don't buy it anymore. It's as if they are being someone only fit for T.V and that you will never come across these people in real life. I need to rewire myself to think that I am enough, and that I don't have to do any fancy dancing to feel like I am a good actor. I don't know why I have avoided this for so long. Last night I had a dream of being lifted up by an elevator not knowing how high it was going to go. At the very first instant I left the ground, I wanted to jump off, but I stayed on knowing that I had left behind the chance of getting off. Now if I wanted to jump off I faced possible death because the height was much greater than before. So I stayed on.

I think I have to be brave now, brace myself and stay on. There is no turning back.

Haloween!

2010-11-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

Haloween is perhaps my favorite time of year. It is the one time of the year where people from all walks of life can feel free to express themselves and loose themselves in their costumes. Most years I celebrate it by intoxicating myself an binging on alchohol, this year was different. The police man you see above is my girlfriend's nephew and I love him very much. He is two years old and is a constant reminder to never stop playing. My girlfriend is not an actress or involved in the creative field, not to say that she is not creative, she is just not interested in making a living this way. Recently though she has mentioned that I play too much, that I never take anything serious. At first I was insulted and we fought for a few days. I felt that she was trying to minimalize my creative nature, and that she simply did not understand me. After I set aside my oversized ego I came to the conclusion that she was half right. I need to be more responsible. I think she fears that I won't be able to take care of her and provide for our future home. She has always said I am a child, but I just think she doesn't get me sometimes. She doesn't understand that my nature, the way I look at the world as a playground, will be the catalyst for many great things to come. For now I will acquiest to her demands of manhood while secretly I plot my next "childish" move. I know it may sound like she is a surpressing force in my life, but she is not. She has opened my eyes to many great consepts of living. I truly believe that she is my other half, she is my rib that my soul has longed for all these years. I love her very much and couldn't be happier with her.

This blog has been all over the place. It started with the upload of pictures and turned into something totally different. Oh well.

Good bye for now...

Enough is Enough

2010-08-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

I am the line that has no shape.
Falling in line behind order,
Soon to emerge as the one to create it.
I am the shape shifter.
I am the madness creeping to get out,
to see the light,
to call the fight.
I am the one who you said no to,
I am the one who will emerge.
The conman has no hope.
I have arrived and let it begin.
I'm here to stay.
Although the journey may be tough,
Let it be with me in the fight,
Let my wings take the flight.
I am Sir Newton's lowly kite

So I pray and wait and see...

2010-08-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

Twilight, I spend half the night awake.
Twilight, I spend half the night I pray.
Twilight, as if to say dawn may never come
Twilight, thirteen nights and so on

The dark spirits that revolve around me may never be realized now thanks to you.
You are my guiding light, you are my guardian angel.
At first I did not believe,
But now my eyes have grown,
My wings have expanded twice the size of me,
I see, I fly.
I speak of things to come and things to see.
I feel whole again.
The spirit lies close and I see the light in the shadow of me.
The closed doors that have been locked for seemingly eternity,
Are now open.
I peek inside to see what I've always dreamed to see
I can be what I've always dreamed to be.
No one can stop me from obtaining thee
Not even my three enemies.
So I pray and wait and see...

I am Julius Caesar

2010-08-20T12:14:00.001-07:00

Looking out my window I see a new day approaching. A new dawn begins to emerge as I ponder about my future. I lived a glorious past, I was Julius Caesar. I was a warrior once that emerged an Emperor. I can do it again, I can see it fast approaching. I took it easy today, knowing what is to become of my life. I lived a little less today, knowing how full my life will begin to be. I laid in my bed all day. I have things to do, but I know they will get done. I feel more powerful than ever, and a strange sense of nostalgia has taken over my person. A super high I have never felt, and all I've done is smell three candles. Three handles that hold my destiny, hold my future. Three candles that will open the gates to this cage that has bound me for some time, two years to be exact. I have many enemies who wish for me to remain in my cage, but I fear them no more. It's time to bleed, time to dirty the hands that have remained so clean, time to look at the fear that has held me and destroy it with my teeth. I will emerge, I have before. I went down in history as the best ruler of all of Rome. My past is done now, now what will I do with my future. I have chosen to live again, and I intend to do just that. With faith as little as a mustard seed one can move mountains, and as my faith grows I feel the earth shake from the ground right under me. I will shake this world, and rule it once more as I once did so long long ago.

Fifty Nine Deaths from Heartbreak Alone this Year

2010-08-11T12:33:00.001-07:00

Fifty nine deaths this year alone from heartbreak. The year is young as young as love is. How easy we forget those we loved. How fast we move along. Zip through the music as if you hadn't heard it. Dance to the tune of your own heart beating, until it breaks. A pause in the step of a step not worth taking. Fifty nine deaths from heartbreak and counting. One by one we all go down, until eventually we find those who are meant to be found. Then what? The independence you once had is completely gone and the stacks of compromised ideals begin to pile up. Then, once you feel you've had enough, it's not so easy to break up. Break up the heart that was one made whole by the person you wish to leave. But you must leave because the world misses you. All this time you were in love, the world kept spinning and moving along. You wake up and realize that this perhaps was a waste of time, but you wouldn't dare think that twice. No regrets. So where to go from here? See, fifty nine deaths from heartbreak alone this year.

Patricia

2010-07-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

My life has changed. I have a beautiful woman in my life whom I've been with for almost a year. She has taught me many things about myself, directly and indirectly. She is quite a unique creature. She is very very weird, and she thinks she is normal. She's an effortless weirdo. You know those people that are weird, but they know they are being weird, almost like they go out of their way to be weird. She is not one of those people.
She is strong and loyal to me. We get into fights here and there, but most of the time we spent laughing and enjoying our time together. She is artistically creative, but she doesn't know it, someday she will see it. She loves and she cares, oh and she cooks. Man does she cook. All she wants from me is love, and this I am happy to give to her. I love her with all my heart.

In the pupil I foresaw my own death

2010-03-12T13:22:00.000-08:00

I would like to take a moment and talk about death...
Yes indeed, how morbid of me. Perhaps recent events dictate a change of perspective. I was sitting in church today before a funeral was to take place. My intent was to go and pray and take a load off, as so to speak. I sat towards the back of the church, and heard my inner voice telling me to come forward, so I did. As I kneeled down, I heard somber sounds of pain behind me. I stopped for a moment and decided to listen. Her worries suddenly became mine, and I was surprisingly affected with the same pain, or at least the same feeling of pain. I closed my eyes and began to pray. Then the doors to the church opened and I heard the sounds of wheels coming from where the somber sounds where coming from. I opened my eyes and a casket was glaringly in front of me. A man in a suit opened it and I saw an older gentleman laying silently there. I closed my eyes again fearful in looking at death so personally. I've never seen a dead person, perhaps only a person in the brink of death. Still, never have seen a dead person new thoughts began to circle through my restless head. I wondered if the mans spirit was in the church, I wondered if he was watching me as I was watching him. "Who truly was watching who?", I thought. If here I am staring at his lifeless corps, and he was staring right back at me, then I believe he had the upper hand in our staring competition. My interest then went to the mortuary man, who as if not affected, was positioning and repositioning this man ever so carefully as if he were a hospital nurse taking care of his patient. Underneath his armpit he carried an American flag, which led me to believe that this man was perhaps a war hero of some sort, who escaped death momentarily in the battlefield, to succumb to his death on his own terms. I wondered what this mans last thoughts were. Was he a happy man? Did he accomplish everything he wanted too? Was he loved? Did he love? Was he in love? It made me think of my own mortality and I thought, "life and death, birth and death, young and old we are all affected. Maybe thinking so much what the future may bring is futile, fruitless, literally a waste of time. The past is irreversible, the future inevitable, and the present unknown. Now perhaps I understand when people say to live in the unknown. I would rather live now in the unknown then worry about my future death."

optumistic vultures

2009-06-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

all your life you are told that you are one thing, when deep inside you know you are much more. The struggle to creep out of your cocoon is so intense that you would rather stay and be eaten by the optimistic vultures. I say for you to push on, be free, become what ideally you could be. These ravenous manipulative dictators will stop at nothing and neither should you.

It's so safe to stay in their perception of you. It's a mold that for once you fit inside. I say Break it!

Be who you truly are

The Charleston Blog

2009-06-01T01:16:00.000-07:00

Today was the best day ever. I feel finally for once the work I have put and the sacrifices I have made so far, has taken me to the start of a journey. A journey that I so badly want and have so long for awaited. Today is the start of something new, something great. The man who foresaw my future said that this was gonna be a good month and ironically, on the last day, I now know why. It's not the riches and the financial independence, it is the journey to it. A Ferrari is not going to be the same Ferrari if I buy it with easy money or with earned money, but baby I will get my white Ferrari.

Someday soon love,
My love will be,
The thing to see....

I wouldn't be in the place to be
I wouldn't be with my
baby.....

..and life is too good.

Just Right

2009-04-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

Interesting how weird this feels.

If your writing reflects your inner soul then,
as an old forgotten friend might have wrote,
"Go ahead and write and imagine orgasmic vowels penetrating the particles that make up paper"

"Our insides are gone and replaced by organs", wrote the soul
"Sing and dance if you can feel anything", wrote the rock
"Fly away if you have no wings", wrote the prisoner
"write what you see and you will never forget", wrote the elder
"fight when you've never won", wrote the revolutionary
"move closer when you are scared", wrote the keeper
"close the door when you see the light", wrote the resurrected
"look", wrote the narcissist

-end...

A boat story

2008-12-24T06:12:00.000-08:00

If someone was to ask me where is the least likely place to find drugs, then I would probably say a cruise filled with old people...this apparently was not the case. So, on this boat I made friends with an Argentinian guy who was possibly one of the best people I have met in my life. Anyways, he had brought a lot of weed on the boat, so we spent most of the cruise stoned. He had also brought some shrooms with him, none of which any of us really wanted to do. We really didn't feel like hallusinating and jumping off the boat, or walking through the lobby on our knees looking at the wonderful colors that the carpets made. So, one night, the last night, we decited that if we weren't going to do them then we would have to throw them away (mainly because Chilean customs really give you a hard time). We found out that we really had no place to throw them away without it possibly getting traced back to us, so we got a couple of brownies and decided to eat them. We waited for about a half and hour and nothing happened, so we decided to get stoned. After we got stoned we decided to take a walk and maybe play some ping pong or something. All the while we were walking I noticed that my friend was not doing to well, he wasn't saying much and had an awkward looking face the whole time. We had stared our journey on the 4th floor of the elevator and we didn't make it past the 7th floor when my friend said he had to get off. We got off the 7th floor and made our way to the casino. I thought he wanted to play cards so I just followed behind him. Then I saw his hand slowly make his way to his mouth and he turned around and gave me a, "shit I need help" glare. We finally made it to the casino and so did the insides of his stomach. He threw-up all over the casino. I grabbed my friend and took him to the bathroom. Granted that throwing up on the boat is not an unusual thing, specialy when the boat was moving, as it was that night. After the throw-up scene we made our way downstairs and he appologized and told me that he had to meet up with me later. So, there I was left all alone. I hadn't began to hallusinate yet, but I did feel a bit funny. I made my way through the hallways of the moving boat trying not to make contact with anybody I knew. This then turned out to be a theme for the night. I was like a ninja walking through the boat hidding from any moving object. I had tricked my brain so much that this game I created began not to be as much fun anymore, I was really hiding in terror from everybody. I went to the game room and started to play pictionary by myself. After I found this to be fruitless I grabbed some literature and went to the kids corner, where the colorful rugs and the plushy pillows kept me entertained for hours. After, I decided that enough was enough, and I had to go to sleep. I walked into my room and woke up mother in the process. My lightning thinking prompted me to tell her that I had felt a bit sea sick so I was going to stay inside the bathroom until it went away. I told her not to worry, that I was going to be there for a long time. I went inside what would become my white dungeon. It was very bright inside and so I escaped to the shower, where I took my Obama Time Magazine, closed the shower curtain, and spent the night underneath the trickling faucet.

end

Letter to Pati

2008-09-14T02:39:00.000-07:00

2am...
Not to worry though I will sleep...

Freud is an amazing man that I have begun to boyishly unravel. I am reading a book about him, and every page I flip seems to have the same effect as does opening a fabulous gift on Christmas.

For instance this is what he had to say on poverty:

"Our whole conduct of life presupposes that we shall be sheltered from the direst poverty...
The poor, the common people could not exist without their thick skin and their easygoing ways. Why should they feel their desires intensely when all the afflictions nature and society have in store are directed at those they love."

........

Well I must apologize for not responding to your lovely letter on Eduardo Galeano. At first glace it didn't strike me as fascinating.
Let me reword,
The poetic rhythm and the pairing of the words was nothing short of brilliant. The reason I was not taken by it was due to the content. The heart (in matters of love) for me is a place filled with frustration. Perhaps this is why Freud, a man of mind and intellect, is so fascinating to me right now. Taken this to account, I read it once more...

("Hoy llueve mucho y pareciera que estan lavando el mundo .
Mi vecino de al lado mira la lluvia y piensa escribir una carta de amor , una carta de amor a la mujer que vive con el , y le cocina y le lava la ropa y hace el amor con el y se parece a su sombra . Mi vecino nunca le dice palabras de amor , entra a la casa por la ventana y no por la puerta . Por una puerta se entra a muchos sitios , al trabajo , al cuartel , a la carcel ,a todos los edificios del mundo, pero no al mundo , ni a una mujer , ni al alma, es decir , a ese cajon o nave o lluvia que llamamos asi , como hoy que llueve mucho y me cuesta escribir la palabra amor por que el amor es una cosa y la palabra amor es otra cosa y solo el alma sabe donde se encuentran y como y cuando , pero el alma que puede explicar ? Por eso mi vecino tiene tormentas en la boca palabras que naufragan , palabras que no saben que hay sol por que nacen y mueren en la misma noche que amo y dejan cartas en el pensamiento que el nunca escribira , como el silencio que hay entre dos rosas , o como yo que escribo para volver a mi vecino que mira la lluvia , a la lluvia , a mi corazon desterrado ")

The mere thought of love makes me nauseous. An effect in which I had non while reading this particular piece. In fact, it only supported my theory on the subject matter. We are so scared to love because a broken heart feels so much worse. The closest I can compare it to is to being drunk. We hate being drunk the very next day when the effect of the alcohol wears and you are left feeling ten times worse. This is why the "vecino" has such a hard time describing what love truly is. Once you define something it is because you have identified it. Once identified, then it can shake the core of you.

That is all for tonight. I really didn't mean to write so much.

Love,
Camilo

A moment of self analysis

2008-09-08T19:34:00.002-07:00

Three women decide to leave me for another man.
Two of which decide to never speak to me again,
and one of which is actually my mother.
If I'm not as clever,
or as equipped with the capacity to be so self analytical,
then perhaps I would be in deep shit.
Although I do believe I am experiencing a momentary depressive state of mind,
I have no doubt in my mind that I will pull through.
So three very valuable women leave and what is left,
but a very valuable life lesson.
Let it be a life lesson,
and not a way of life.

Isabel

2008-09-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

Oh Isabel,
Never think that you are being over looked. The one that watches sees you my dear. People come and go and some never return, but the ones that stay seem to never go away. I tell you the truth my dearest, hang on and hear the things that you should hear and shut your eyes to the things that will forever blind you. You stand there thinking that perhaps this is the end, but I tell you to hang on. Soon someone will arrive and take you to places you thought you would never see alive. Hope is but a thin string we use to tie down an angry elephant with. But stand tall my dear friend, for the string will hold. The seeds that you sow will soon be the fruit that will feed your life forever and ever. So even though you might feel neglected, just know that someday you will triumph, for your spirit in nothing short of electric.
Sometimes when I look into your eyes I see nothing, for you wish to show nothing. Soon you will learn that hiding is no fun when no one is trying to find you. So I tell you my dear friend, look to see and hear to listen. Never eat without tasting, never grab without touching, and never take without asking. Be cautious in matters of love, for humanity loves too much and gives too little. The people you trust should be trusted and never doubted. The people you love should be loved and never hated. Never take anything for granted, for it all can be taken away as quickly as it was given. Life is a precious thing my dear, live it and love it. What you learn here will never be forgotten in this life and the next.

So it shall be so and forever will be
Says the mere mammal

Work in progress...

2008-08-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

When you fall you instinctually try to grab
a hold of the things around you.
Surprisingly the things that you thought were sturdy,
prove to be the exact opposite.
So you fall regardless.

The moral of the story is:

If you go through life loosing your bearings,
You will loose your friends along with it.
If you want to keep your friends,
it's best never to rely on them for help.
More often than not you will be surprisingly disappointed

(Need to finish this next part)

Quick Thought

2008-08-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

Measure yourself not on the things that you do,
but rather on the things that you could do.

C.R

The anatomy of my heart

2008-08-11T00:18:00.000-07:00

I think my heart stopped working.
I reached out and touched my wrist to feel a pulse and felt none.
I looked around for help and realized I had none.

I screamed out only to hear back the sound of my own echo.

I am but an empty shell with no pulse.
The things I loved I love no more.
The things I hate I know abhor.

Like a drone I fed the cycle
The machine loves those who make great disciples.

I've lost my vision
Now I'm blind
They have flourished
and left behind
a soul malnourished
and a clock to wind

But once this clock begins tick
Time ill' be told to not exist.

The beginning and end is never near
As is, the past is uncertain and the future unclear

Rambling Ramon

2008-08-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

There is something that is slowly brewing in my mind.
Something that needs to come out.
There is this thing that must be said.
Something must be done.

My Brain is about to implode.
Pressure from the outside,
Is tearing my brain from the inside.
I look for relief in things that will eventually make my situation worse.

I drag my feet down the dark path that seemingly has no light.
I begin to run only to be overcome.
I walk to slowdown,
only to realize I must run.

I feel like a rat on a wheel.
Round and round I go,
Where I'll stop
Nobody knows....

Lesson Learned

2008-07-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I wish to say to you, but the fear of saying the wrong thing prevents me from saying anything at all. My mind feels repressed at the mere thought of you. A huge callus has grown around me and has covered the once soft mushy surface. You have changed me completely. My light had once flown freely, but now a prism stands in the way of it. I see you now and you seem different. Your eyes have changed. You used to be this untouchable magnificent creature, but now I have come to realize that you are just like everyone else. It was all smoke and mirrors and I fell for it. To think that I would have ever fallen for such a trick. Never again will I ever be so willing. Perhaps I have you to thank for this beautiful life lesson.

I can not pretend to know much about women, but what I do know is
that they exist. Everything else is just a mystery.

Drunken Ramble

2008-06-03T04:47:00.000-07:00

Here goes another rant and ramble about seemingly nothing. As if all I write is meaningless to those who see it. The few who hear it are the ones that are probably just as insane as I pretend to be. Everything is an illusion. Like a mad magician conjuring up a spell to take over the world. As if the world was for the taking. Live like the natives who lived off the land, not like the Europeans who lived and still lives on the land. Fight the power and be strong, hold steadfast to your belief, and you will soon see the battle. War is imminent and peace is distant. Everyone has their own views on everything. Agree and disagree endlessly. The point of the matter is that the fact only points to nothing, for nothing is factual. That is a fact, that nothing is certain. Everything is based on opinion. Experts are only so because of money. They have bought their way and now claim to know, when in fact know just as much. What prevents me and you from knowing nothing? Know nothing and you will be in better shape than knowing everything. Everything must come to an end. Time is limited, but yet imminent. Matter moves and so must you.

Goodbye for now,

C.R

Evolution

2008-05-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

repugnance hatreD LOVE

From hate comes love...

You can't truly love a person unless you hate a part of them.

There is a thin line between......

Evolve, survive, love and hate!

C.R

Rebellion

2008-05-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

Gjiu fjifjr id irjrjfirfj cnihdccij. Ecncu sosdjeojf nj ioejifi, jeoifj, soicisdjc, oejfoe!
Fkjefij ekfj mie mnfirenf nirf ijnri. Ynujf eufg fbuyr urfgr fight.

C.R

Pure Randomness

2008-05-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the greatest sense that man possesses is his sense of humor

Public Brainstorm

2008-05-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I thought I was crystal clear about everything. Now I seem to live in a fog of confusion and hesitation. Recently it seems as if the world is running in the opposite direction and my ill attempts at moving seem to take me nowhere. As if I am running in place like a fast treadmill in which I can't find the emergency breaks too. I wish to run away--far far away. The constant spinning of the earth has got me dizzy. I feel nauseous of staying put while the earth spins rapidly around me. I sleep a lot now, perhaps to escape. I love to dream. I think I could sleep all day and not feel bad about not getting anything done. Sleep is my drug now that substitutes my want for more. I have come to realize that I can't get everything I want. It was a hard lesson to learn and perhaps I have not learned it. My stubbornness will always get the best of me. My willingness to throw myself into a situation no matter what the consequences, will be the death of me. I think I am good at blaming everyone, but I am best at blaming myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Running in place seems to wear me out and staying put depresses me.

Recently I have discovered what does move me. I think it is people's doubt in me. Their doubt has turned into my doubt. Thus leading me to write this rambling brainstorm of where my life is headed. I come across people who for a brief moment see what I see in myself. Then they leave. I guess their sole purpose was to remind me of me. I wish they wouldn't leave though. Everyone to their own agenda.

One day I wish to see the world. Travel on foot and speak to everyone and see everything. Hear and smell the different things that my body wants to experience. Sometimes I have a fantasy of packing up everything and leaving.

I need to get some sleep....

Meeting with an Agent

2008-04-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

Look, I didn't come here in a spare of the moment type thing. I came here to see you. I have it written down on my mirror "Drop off head shot at 6363 Wilshire Blvd". It wasn't by chance that I came in here, it was planned. It was an assignment of mine to come down here. Now I'm not one for self promotion--I abwhore it. I tend to shy away from it. But you have seemed to spark something in me today that will allow me this exception. Please sir, don't get up, I'm not finished. Now get back down and sit in your swively little chair. Yes now grab the pile of head shots off your desk and keep thumbing through them as you were doing so before, good. Don't look at me, look down at the head shots, good. Take a good hard look at what you were doing. Then ask yourself Why? Not now (you are under a lot of stress), but at home. Or on in your car on the way home--or whenever it is that you become yourself again. Here take my card and call me whenever it is that you figure it out.

Step Forward

2008-04-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Indian blood runs through me as I listen to beats and chants of the beautiful war dance in my head. I spin out of control and I will not pull out--not this time. I will let my body flow to the natural rhythm of life. Let it take me where it takes me. I will let the insanity emerge and I will begin to unwrap myself. I will begin to speak the words I was meant to say. No longer will I censor them for fear of approval--The drum plays heavier and faster now matching to the beat of my anxious heart.

I Think Now it's a Good Time to Eat

2008-04-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

I owe you the world, but the world is not mine to give. Give more and you will receive. Give with an expectation to receive and expect nothing. What goes around comes around, but nothing happens if you do nothing. Speak your mind and you will begin to listen to it. Talk with your heart and you will be heard.

Last night my world was stopped by a homeless man who had to share with me a simple phrase, "I think now it's a good time to eat". I think you are right dear friend. We all seem to go through life with such a dissatisfaction for it. We complain that we are hungry for more, but never take the time to eat. We live in a world where everyone is watching their weight. Careful not to consume too much of what the world has to offer. We go on diets that censor foods which give us tremendous amounts of pleasure. We are scared to eat, thus becoming malnutritioned. The outside becomes like a beautiful shell waiting to cave in on it's hollow womb. I think my friend the homeless man was right in saying, "I think now it's a good time to eat".

Peace

Love

and

Rock and Roll

C.R

I Can't Understand Bob Dylan, but I Love Him Just the Same

2008-04-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

Listening to this man today is like taking the perfect prescription for an illness that will forever go undiagnosed. His words and variational musical notes seem to defy unpredictability. As if his music strikes the core of human doubt. His seemingly incoherency only adds to the truth that miscommunication is at the heart of human existence. To be misunderstood and loved at the same time for it, is like seeing a giant Picasso canvas, or reading one of Becket's non linear writing. What truly creates lineality? The mere fact that my computer asks me to spell check "lineality" only adds to the ridiculousness of life. As if the word never existed. Maybe my computer is telling me something. Perhaps nothing is lineal. Maybe when you are on the path it seemingly looks straight, but when you really look at it from a different perspective, you see that you are actually traveling in a never ending circle. Orbiting the endless timeless watch that will forever keep your gravitational pull constant. Sometimes your orbit comes across another, creating a compromising situation that will either result in harmony or chaos.

Sometimes I see and choose to close my eyes, other times I choose to look away. Only when my eyes will be truly open will I find nothing to see.

C.R

Bunnies and Hats Bore Me

2008-04-10T05:03:00.000-07:00

The things that one sees around always seem to be an illusion. A mere magic trick. The hidden object never seems to appear in the hand I choose. As if perhaps such object never existed. It was only a figment of my imagination to begin with. Magicians are tricky people, no pun intended. Run when you come across one-- as far as you can go. I would like to meet a clown now. It's easier to see through the mask of a clown than to see past the illusion of a magician. A clown will make you laugh, and they seem to be quite simple creatures. They know what they want, and if they don't know, they will be sure to clearly tell you. Their face is transparent and clear to see. Whereas a magician can be the exact opposite. Chasing a magician is like chasing a cloud of smoke that leads to a giant furnace, in which you are tricked to jump in. An illusion that eventually consumes you only for their personal gain. Another one fooled. Another soul gained.

Minus One to Titan

2008-04-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

I sit here now alone in my space ship staring at the seat next to me. Wishing that the missing seat would have been filled by the one I left back in Venus. I tried to persuade her to come, but she was too stubborn to move. The floating poisonous gas consumed her body to the point of ecstasy. There was no getting through and so I left. I never plan to go back for her. Breathing her world made me an addict of it. I fear going back will forever leave me addicted. So I sit here on cruise control waiting for my body to heal so that I can begin to press the gas. Soon Venus will be miles away, and It's sole occupant will be but a faint distant memory.

Titan Seems Miles Away--Can't you see it?

2008-04-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things happen because they are meant to happen. Time is an obstacle that many seem to stumble over and over again. There is no one in the world that can give you what you want unless you go after it. You only live once right? Maybe one day the world will tilt and spin on it's equator and we will someday see nothing but light for years to come--at least one half of the world would. It seems as if half the world is on one side and the other on the opposite. Creating an awesome ying yang that not even God could have predicted. The almighty scientist who mixed elements together with only an educated guess on what the results might be. Who could have predicted the world to turn out this way? Man and woman are created in the same image, but the inner workings are miles away. Venus is a planet that I wish to conquer. Perhaps not the planet itself, but one resident. Stubborn is this citizen of Venus. I arrive in my space ship and tell her that I will show her the galaxy, but she chooses to stay--always. She likes being the only occupant of this desolated place. "Lets go to Titan" I said, "Help me create a new world". She tells me to go at it alone. I said, "I would and eventually I will, but there is no one else in the universe that I would have more fun on this journey with. I can't promise you that we will ever get to Titan, space is filled with unpredictability. Different gravitational pulls that might take you away from me is to be expected. You see I don't want to trap you. I just want to fly with you, even if it's for a day." She tells me to leave and come back--she needs space. I tell her, "I know". So I sit here now and I write in light that my words might impress the universe to act. I wait for time to tell me when to go back. Titan waits for me to arrive, but I refuse to go at it alone.

Empty Minded

2008-04-01T02:23:00.000-07:00

The soul is empty with no food. Keep eating knowledge and you will learn, but never know. Facts are fake. There is an opinion for every grain of sand on earth. No one will ever know anything. Our senses are filtered through our own individual perspective. It's impossible to be correct. Right was only created because or else everything would be wrong. Nothing is nothing and everything is everything. Nothing is not plural, but singular. Everything is valid and invalid. Count the stars and you will get something. Numbers are scary and so is time. The end is near and so it's time.

Ying and Yang

2008-03-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

Relationships consist of a Ying and a Yang, a positive and a negative. One could not exist without the other. How could Ying know it was Ying if it didn't have Yang to show him who he truly is. Same goes for Yang. Yang would not have a clue in who she is unless she had Ying to show her.

Often people get confused. They believe that their ideal partner is one who is the exact opposite. I don't believe this to be true.

Just like Ying and Yang help each other to recognize themselves, your ideal partner should do the same.

I speak

2008-03-11T01:44:00.000-07:00

Today I feel alright. For the first time in a while I feel hopeful and optimistic. Life is a beautiful thing man. I don't know why I feel this way. Perhaps the new perspective that I have been waiting to come has arrived. Today I feel like it is the first day of a whole new chapter in my life. Finally the last chapter is over. I am very grateful for the lessons I've learned, but now its time to apply them and learn new ones. This next chapter I feel will be a good one.

Where to go from here?

2008-03-08T16:33:00.000-08:00

It's harder to be left than to leave someone.
It's easier to be right than to understand.
Looking up for all the answers is hopeless.
Looking down leaves you helpless.

Lost.......

3am and full of random thoughts...

2008-03-08T02:27:00.000-08:00

Alone at last I feel again. As if the tides never seem to change for this bottomless ocean that sits in my heart. Waiting to be filled by that someone that has that infinite amount of water to fill it. There are so many things that I wish to say and so many more that I don't even know how to say. The beauty of it is to try. So here is my attempt at it. Being loved is possibly the best feeling in the world. But to love is a different story. I miss loving someone. I miss being loved by someone. I just want to get under the covers and embrace her. I miss that feeling. I wish to hold her hand and walk around. I miss taking showers with her. I miss her and I don't even know who "her" is. I know its someone. It has to be. Someday perhaps. I keep saying that lately. As if today is not good enough to be that someday. Someday perhaps my perspective will change. Someday is a day that may never come, but will fuel me till the day I die. Death is the resolution of passion or sometimes the climax of it. Death is certain.
Will I ever find someone that comes close to filling that void that I feel? I don't want to get tricked again. Every action one makes is a selfish one. I can't blame them. Sometimes I feel like leaving here. Going far far away. Perhaps that is why I daydream so much. Sometimes when I drive I imagine myself running and climbing the trees that I drive past in my car. When I used to go to school I used to imagine myself suddenly floating and the class looking at me wondering what was happening. Then I would have something profound to say and fly away. I feel like I'm meant for something. Something big, something bigger, bigger than me. My work is not nearly started. I will hit the world like a thunderstorm and provoke the thoughts of those who need provoking. I have been sent here for something and lately I have had tastes of what that is. I thought that maybe I can do this work with someone. But it seems that I will have to go at it by myself. It's lonely in here. Ha!

The Delightful Creature I Met in the Urban Forest

2008-02-06T21:47:00.000-08:00

I took a long walk down the urban forest. When suddenly I was stopped by a delightful creature that asked of me to describe myself she said:
"My dear sir if you don't mind it is not your change that I am after, but your thoughts. I say what a beautiful day it is wouldn't you say? Have you noticed the leaves on that tree? Do you not see what I see? The seemingly inanimate become animate when you spend some time with me. Green, brown, and blue are the colors of nature therefore my favorite. Tell me something about yourself my kind friend. I have shared with you my true colors perhaps you might do the same. Describe yourself to me. Not accordingly to what others see, but what you see. Tell me the things that you wish others never to find out or hear about."
I took a long pause for this was not a question I was ready to answer without thought. Although this is not what I said to her, I wish I did:
"I am what you see before you. I am a man of flesh and bone with no clue of who I am. Every time I look upwards towards the clouds I feel small. Perhaps how an ant must feel. I see the cars that drive past us and wonder who the driver must be. He must be lost just like me. The pace of life moves so fast underneath our feet. It is scary to slow down and run the risk of being left behind. Sometimes I feel that I am far behind. Like a boy in a brand new world seeing everything for the first time. Everybody seems as if they are well put together, they have a clear opinion of who they are, and what they stand for. I don't. I have a hard time articulating my thoughts because half the time I don't know what I'm thinking. I drift into this other realm that I find comfort in drifting. I see tortured people walk the earth and make precautions never to be like them. I go after my dreams for ultimately that is my reality."
We stopped talking for a while and we sat and enjoyed the beautiful true colors of the urban forest.

untitled

2008-01-30T23:26:00.001-08:00

I walk the night with my dark clothes reflecting no light.
Walking and looking down to see no night.
My rubber soles leave no imprint on the cold cement road.
I walk and ponder the strange questions of life.
Death is the ultimate destination of life.
My feet that walk the earth will someday be,
but a faint memory to the earth underneath this cold cement road.
The past that once was will never return again.
Only but a shadow that remains illuminating the path that I now walk on.
Seeing nothing ahead, but more of that cold cement road.
My light is out and I am no more.

Waiting for Revelations

2008-01-30T01:00:00.000-08:00

Triumphantly we march ahead of time trying to minimize the rhythmic flow of life. As if the dawn had a new light. I tell you to fight. The endless persecution of the stars and heavens will soon merge in front of you. You the people and civilians of this war that will put you in the front lines. What will you do fight or flight. The departed become the enemy of the battle that will cease when He comes without warning. Ancient civilizations that will soon be the destiny of all of us. To be extinct and seemingly breathing. The pedestrians that walk the cross light will halt to a stop mid stride in order to see the blatantly obvious light. The clouds will part and you will see the sky at the glory that it deserves to be seen. The long for muted voice will speak the words of peace and a future to come. Then it will disappear as quick as it came to leave mankind in its miserable state. But we will rebuild and remember the prophecy of the voice that seemed so far away. We will remember it until we forget. The glory of the one above is only seen by those who wish to suffer the blindness from the light. To see in the dark we shall forever be. Night creatures that walk the earth looking and craving for the light that will someday bring about hope of a new future to come. A peaceful rebellion that is to shape the face of the world will take place and we will see the true potential of who we are. This is what we are destined to be, creatures of peace and happiness. Somewhere along the way we have lost our way. A new dawn that is to come will bring about the true nature of what nature intended man to be.
End.

Atlas

2008-01-29T12:58:00.000-08:00

Like Atlas I stand here bearing the burden of the world on my shoulders. As if I knew the only joy was to carry the giant burden that propels me forward. The giants that try to sway me from my path are only those that are small enough not to see. The light that shines through the brick of stones is what I see. I am the conductor that rides the train that runs a muck. Atlas son of pain and bearing the torture of the world. See the light that shines through the seemingly endless eyes of human poison. I know the feeling my dear friend Atlas. Let us both see and hear the things that we bear on our shoulders. The world is big, but not too big to bear. The burden that we hold up so dear to us is what will set us apart. Atlas how you are remembered my dear friend. How strong you must be. To hear the mockery of the world and stand up for it. Let us never fall into the abyss that you hold us from. To bear the burden of the world is a task that we are destined to fill. Destroy the evil of those that seek the good of mankind. For they are the light of the world that fill the void that many seek to find. The endless war we fight and loose will be worth remembering.

What happens when we die?

2008-01-26T00:55:00.000-08:00

Seeing that perhaps the illusion of mankind lies in ones own reality, who is to determine the rightful truth of anything? What happens to us when we die? Close your eyes for a brief moment and see the darkness before you. If in a sense we see only in according to what our own eyes are able to grasp, what happens when we shall forever close them? Dreaming is of course done with our eyes closed, so would it be fair to speculate that when we die we would forever be in a state of dreaming. But can one dream or even think without a living brain? Does the core of humanity lie in the heart or in the mind? When one is heartbroken does one not feel it in the chest and not in the brain? Or does it register in the brain and then it translates to the heart? A blow to the heart means instant death, but a blow to the brain has a chance of survival. So what does occur when we shall forever close our eyes? Do we cross over to a Utopian society where everybody is joyous and merry? What happens if a loved one on earth didn't get through the so called "Gates of Heaven"? Would you be joyous and merry knowing that you will have to go through eternity not seeing the ones who didn't "get in"? Is hell like our judicial system? What if we are already in hell trying to work our way up to heaven? Why is heaven considered to be in a higher plane, rather than a lower one? Why must we always put things that are superior in a higher place? Does one not find life lessons in watching an ant trail? Does one not find the most meaning in a simple act as sharing a meal with a loved one? I say that what is above is to be left for the birds. Its nothing but clouds and twinkling white dots. If you are looking for God, look right next to you. Stop praying to the ceiling and begin to connect to what is directly around you. To pray means nothing. To act is everything. So what happens to us when we die? It is hard to take in that perhaps all that happens is that we die. We cease to exist. So if this be true, why waste your life? Forget the saying that perhaps tomorrow you will die. Someday perhaps we will cease to exist. Whatever you choose to do with your life, make sure its what you want to do with it. Never live it to please others, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve. Someday we will all die. Make the most of it.

A Humble Ballad- - By a "nice guy"

2008-01-22T23:58:00.001-08:00

Something eats me today. It's been eating me for some time now, but today it threatens to swallow me whole. I feel like I give too much of my soul to the ones I truly love, but never seem to get the same love in return. It's like playing a game of tennis with no one. I keep hitting the ball, but it never gets returned. I feel like a dumb child who has burned his hand on the stove, but yet reaches for it once more. No more reaching. It hurts to burn the same wound that has not yet healed. Now I feel stuck. I want to search out for the one that truly deserves me, but I don't want to get burned again. I don't really want to give my all to anyone anymore. It's too much. People take it for granted, as if I will always be here for them. They could of had me forever. I feel like people always look past me. I'm considered to be a nice guy, but what does that get me? A pat in the back and a slap to the face. Jerks get the nice girls. My loyalty always brings about betrayal, but I stay loyal like a dumb dog guarding the master that beats him. Maybe someday the tides will change. Someday--but not today.

Soon is Not So Far Away

2008-01-17T12:52:00.001-08:00

The ideals of the realist are just as valid as the ideals of the idealist. Is there such thing as realism? What is real? Reality is what we make of it, so essentially we are all idealist. Why is the world divided over perspective? As if one's perspective should be enforced upon others. How do we learn anything from that mentality? As if certain cultures are far more superior than others. Where do we get the confidence to think this way? There is going to be a time when this country is going to need the aid of those who they have tried to manipulate. Its a small world. The value of the dollar is declining and banks are having a hard time staying afloat. Credit card companies are loosing billions of dollars because our people are having a hard time paying the bills. A future in which our Government will rely on the generosity of those who they have oppressed is close at hand. This great empire is declining behind the smoke and mirrors of war and politics. The economy is hurting. Soon we will all be brothers. The classes will merge to form one. To have one voice. A voice that will speak of a revolution of perspective. Enjoy the time we have being the king of the hill. Soon it won't be this way. We will give way to another imperialistic empire that will try to learn from our mistakes, but will make them again. We will be the ones oppressed and manipulated. There is only one solution. When you go to the polls to vote for a puppet, make sure you vote for the one who has the least amount of strings. These strings, sowed in by the corporate giants, are the downfall of our country. They are never pulled in favor of the people. Perhaps there is hope for us. Pray your prayers and pray that this day will never come.

The Homeless Man

2008-01-16T23:07:00.000-08:00

There was a time when everything seemed so fine. So great to just laugh and play. As we grow we tend to forget those beautiful days that once filled our days. We grow up and have to take on responsibilities. The mere thought of the word makes me sick. I wish this was all a game. Maybe someday it will be. So many of us walk the earth hating the lives we live. Work is hard, relationships are strange, and the world has no pity on the weak. The homeless man who sits by the road is considered a conman. One who pretends he is poor, but secretly he lives a life of luxury. What a ridiculous concept we trick our minds into thinking. As if he fabricated his own stench, his empty gums where teeth should be is a mere illusion, and his clothes are no more than a costume. This is the truth we like to believe so that we don't feel bad when we can't cough up a dollar. A dollar. How hard must times be when one has to take the time to rationalize not spending a dollar on a man who clearly needs help. Write them off as crazy, but even the insane need nourishment. They brought it on themselves you say? Is the world so unkind that certain people get chances and some are neglected? Don't get too close for whatever ails them might ail you. Yes and leprosy is also contagious. Perhaps what you wish not to see is the truth. This country houses mass quantities of insane, deranged, contagious, and filthy human beings. The rest are left on the streets.

In a Moment of Self Indulgence I Wrote:

2008-01-16T00:12:00.002-08:00

How easily you forget me. How easily you push me aside for another. Talks of forever never last. I thought I knew you--I thought I understood you. The wonderful times we had together are now in the past. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those times. Or if I could somehow tell myself to cherish every moment that I had with you, we probably wouldn't of fought as much. I miss you. There was a time when you used to be my world--my everything. Now it seems as if we are worlds apart. How have you been? What have you been up too? These seemingly insignificant questions I wish to ask--thats all. I know you've found another and thats OK. Although I miss you, I do not want you back. I have grown more than you know. Perhaps now you probably won't recognize me. The face is the same, but my eyes can see further. I hope you are doing fine. I only wish you would call--thats all.

Fifty Nine Deaths from Heartbreak Alone this Year

2008-01-13T23:29:00.000-08:00

Fifty nine deaths this year alone from heartbreak. The year is young as young as love is. How easy we forget those we loved. How fast we move along. Zip through the music as if you hadn't heard it. Dance to the tune of your heart beating, until it breaks. A pause in the step of a step not worth taking. Fifty nine deaths from heartbreak and counting. One by one we all go down, until eventually we find those who are meant to be found. Then what? The independence you once had is completely gone and the stacks of compromised ideals begin to stack up. Then, once you feel you've had enough, it's not so easy to break up. Break up the heart that was one made whole by the person you wish to leave. But you must leave because the world misses you. All this time you were in love, the world kept spinning and moving along. You wake up and realize that this perhaps was a waste of time, but you wouldn't dare think that twice. No regrets. So where to go from here? See, fifty nine deaths from heartbreak alone this year.

Roses

2008-01-12T14:44:00.000-08:00

Rose full of thorns and passion you are. Hide and seek you play with fear of emotion to come. Leave some room and leave some space-- headache and stomachache. The body and mind are so attached to the surrealism that is our reality. Ponder what you may or may not may. Who is to say what reality is? It's a mere illusion to say the least. It's what we make of it--what we think of it. Grow your thorns, but leave some space. Growing too many thorns will poke the beautiful pedals that you have. Self-defense and protection is a must in a world that one wishes to abide by. This is fine, don't be scared of becoming numb and full of hate. Just as in autumn and winter your leaves leave, spring is soon around the corner, to mend your wounds and weave that beautiful web that is the leaf that once left in order to grow again--and the cycle continues like clockwork. Never missing a beat. Dream the beautiful dream that you dream so dreamingly. Don't be afraid of it. Ideals and realism are one. They are not two separate entities. What we create in our world is based on fiction not fact. What is a fact, but a mere illusion of confusion that we deem so correct. Do the math, numbers don't lie because we deem it so. Question the endless questions and never get results in terms of how you expect it, but the mere act of questioning will allow you to gain new perspective. Grow your thorns, but leave some space--back to the matter in question. Many enter and many leave. It is those that stay that you are to keep. Some cope and some fold. It is not you who made them fold, but rather the hand that was dealt to them. Blaming yourself for things that you have no control of is like blaming God for the chaos in the world. Some things run amok like a derailed train. You are the destination. The tracks, their destiny. Be easy and be kind to the self that should let go and unwind. Masochism masochism masochism. To be melancholy is fun to some and tedious to none. Relax, breath, everything will be fine.

Comrade

2008-01-10T23:18:00.001-08:00

Where do you come from who fills my mind with idiosyncrasy of idiomatrics? Did that make sense? I bet it did to you. The reader of this blog, the one who this is for. In short, no pun intended, I will summarize my words so that they may be vague to some, but specific to you. Who knows what to say that may or may not evade the truth of the matter is how smart you are. But not tallied in books as you like to dust off occasionally, but rather in truth. Revolutionaries from birth we walk the earth as if anything and everything needs to change. Enormous life you have in such a small frame. My path came across yours, but who can miss it. The enormous light that shines from it gives sight to the blind and blinds those who refuse to see it. Masochism masochism masochism. Enjoying the blog eh? Fill my eyes with sight, soon I must go for a flight. Only because of you. What would I do without you? Friend of mine. You came at the right time. Say what you must of your selfish self, and your vanity, or your sexuality. Lies I say. Pick up a leaf, examine it, all in a days play. What a lovely creature God has made. What joy he must have had designing you. The ears and nose probably made him laugh and your big calves probably could have been cut down to half. Joking my dear. I love your self. Your entire self. I say self because it also implies me. As you see sometimes I feel you are me. The good me. The fun me. Chao pescao'

-Perro Caliente

Piece by Piece- - Thought by Thought

2008-01-09T21:29:00.000-08:00

A piece of me leaves every time I say goodbye. A piece of me stays every time I am afraid. The seemingly pieces of me that seem not so easy to see are the ones that want to be seen-- but are so afraid to show themselves to the world. These fragile seemingly insignificant pieces of me, are the ones that hold the secret to me-- but no one sees. Forever and ever I can show you what you want to see of me. The seemingly blatantly obvious me. But these hidden pieces of me you will not find, for I will hide. Hide and hide and hide until perhaps one day, someday, along the way, someone might stumble across me. "Oh the day that someone along the way might find me"-- I pray. So I wait and I pray--wait and pray. Perhaps someday, tomorrow lets say, someone might find me along the way.

¿Truth Riddle?

2008-01-09T17:23:00.000-08:00

Dreams become a reality when you stop believing in dreaming. The truth that hides behind the light that blinds you to see the truth of the matter. So be it. What do they know of it? The man upstairs who never shows his face. So be it. Alone at last and forever we where from the dawn of time. Space is infinite and time is limited, try to figure that one out. The stars that we see in the sky might be already dead, but we can't tell from down here, as if we are blind to the fact--but we still see the light. Try to figure that one out. Or this: The government who spends millions on welfare, but refuses to acknowledge the true fact of poverty. We are poor because they are rich. Keep the people from thinking and keep them guessing. Bend the truth and cover it. Advertisement is just a tool for their constant manipulation. The conservation of our environment is unprofitable unless it is commercialized and sold for profit. Organic consumption used to be a normality now it's a luxury. Water is free as it always should be. Bottle it, label it, build a corporation around it. Everything seems to be made in China. Apparently Communism is more productive than Capitalism. True Communism can never exist. The drive of man, the hunger for power, and the desire for more will always prevent it. Capitalism will crumble and the value of the dollar subsiding. European countries cheering. Its their turn now. They get to have all the pleasure of slowly declining as all great empires have. Just like the Romans. Why is it that we never learn? As if history never repeats itself. Be weary of the future to come. Read your history and you will understand. The past is our future, and the present is at hand.

So be it

2008-01-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

My soul feels empty. My passion subsisting. Where to go from here? I have no one to turn too. No one that understands me. For the first time I feel alone, completely alone. I feel like running away, going away, far far away. To places where no one can find me. Then one day I will triumphantly emerge as a different person. I sit and wait for that day to come. Sit and wait--sit and wait. It takes too much effort to be outgoing. I try to make things happen and it blows up in my face. People always seem to misunderstand me. My intentions they find malicious, as if I am always up to something. I have come to realize that everybody leaves, no matter what the matter, everybody leaves. No point in ever getting close to anyone. It hurts more if I do. I grow and I learn. I sit and I wait. I grow sitting, waiting to learn, observing, and sometimes interacting. Sometimes will now turn into rarely. I'm done reaching out to others. Your arm always gets cut off mid way. I had two arms, now I have none. I'd like to keep walking, running, sprinting. Its hard to walk with no arms. I hope someday I can have them back. No more reaching for love. No more pursuit of it.
People think I am weak. I think the exact opposite. My strength is feeling too much. So many of us grow numb from feeling. They think this is strength. I say this is weakness. We feel because we live.
I had somebody I thought. Now I know I have nobody. So be it.

A Wise Old Boy

2008-01-03T16:49:00.000-08:00

There was a boy long ago who believed in the power of superstition. He lived his life on eggshells scared of this scared of that. He wore the same underwear every morning and washed them every night. He slept with his light on in fear that someday something might take him away. He set his alarm clock every night at 8:13am and turned it off after he snoozed it three times. This cycle continued everyday and every night and on and on and on. Until he finally realized this:
"My life consists of a cycle that until this day has proven to be effective. Today is different. I am old, no longer a boy. I have found nothing new. I have lived my life in fear of change and thus I have not grown. The people around me have changed and I have remained the same. I have not adjusted to the times and have refused to modernize. I have refused to reinvent myself, and I have become old much too early. Although I think its not too late, I wish to change."
The next day when he awoke he didn't bother hearing the alarm. He wore no underwear, in fact he wore no clothes at all. He walked into the street and yelled "I am free! I am free!!".

Sometimes...

2008-01-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

I see the world for what it could be. Sometimes I fall into the trap of living in it. I hate it when reality sets in. Things sometimes just don't work out how one expects them too. The world is unfair, its unjust. But we must keep on living. Keep on striving to achieve the things that someday will be realized. One must have faith that this realization will someday happen. Why do I keep writing blogs? There is so much that I've needed to express lately. So much that I've needed to say. I'm tired of living the earth and walking quietly. I have observed for far too long. How to begin? How to start this massive plan in my head? Sometimes I fall asleep tired thinking about it. Disillusionment sets in and I try to forget. Forget the things that haunt my mind. The things that I see that others refuse too. I grow old and numb--bitter and angry. This is not the person I wish to be. Sometimes I walk with blindfolds on. My sight causes me to see things that leave me depressed and thoughtful. Sometimes I wish to stop thinking, to not see, to not hear, to be numb. Sometimes I pray, sometimes I hate the thought of it.

Sabio the Clown

2008-01-02T22:57:00.000-08:00

Sabio the clown lived an interesting life. The traveling circus that he was apart off was a very popular one. In fact he was one of the main attractions. Sabio lived the life that many clowns had wished they did. There was only one problem--he was a clown. No matter how many people he made laugh no matter how many people he entertained, at the end of the day all he was was just a clown. Nobody ever took him seriously. "One day I will show them, show them all" he said as he stared at himself in the mirror. In the next show his cue came on to go on stage and for the first time with his costume and all he spoke, and this is what he said:
"You laugh at me because you thing I am funny. You cry not from sadness, but from laughter. You come here to escape the torments that have driven you here, and for a brief moment you are able to laugh. This service I provide to you out of love. My payment is measured in the volume of your voices. I have never asked for anything in return, but today...today I will only ask for one thing. When you leave this tent leave with knowing you have heard. You have seen me speak. You have witnessed my passion. I ask that you too have the courage to show yourself. Your true self. The self that lies behind the mask. The self that doesn't conform to what other people see you as, or expect you to be. I stand here before you as a clown, but what you have witnessed is something different. Something that most are scared to be. So many sitting before me have settled, have conformed to what society deems them to be. A politician can be a humanitarian. An environmentalist can be a butcher. Never settle for what society deems correct. What is true is only created by a general consensus. So many of us fall into the trap of following rules and regulations, that we forget why they are placed there in the first place. To be controlled. To be manipulated. To function in a society that benefits those that we can't see. Those that will destroy your world in light that theirs might stay intact. You come here to escape from there. I tell you go back and deal with the mess you've made. The mess we've created. Its not too late. Go!"
At this instance Sabio disappeared. Nobody knows for certain what happened to him. Till this day people try to forget what they were told. They still attend the circus and try to forget the time when a clown spoke.

A Conversation with a Priest

2008-01-01T23:07:00.000-08:00

I took a stroll down the street and found a church. I approached the priest and asked him his advice on love. He smiled and said that he was afraid that he was of no use in talks of love. He told me that he would be much better on talks of scripture. I was disappointed with his answer. Surely there must be someone I can talk to. Someone new someone different. Someone with a new perspective on the matter. I pried and tried once more to ask him about love. He must have fallen in love too once--I thought. He stared into space for a while, and when he came back he said:

"Once, a while back when I was about your age there was this girl. There was nothing I wouldn't do for her. I adored her. She adored me. I Asked her to be mine and she denied me. I asked her why and she had no answer, no reply. Simply that it couldn't be so. We were too alike her and I. My stubbornness got the best of me and I asked her out again and again and again. She denied me all when I asked for nothing. This is the way the world works my son. She later married another man and I joined the seminary. I vowed never to love again."

Just as quick as we started talking we stopped. As I walked away from the church I came to the thought that perhaps the world is unfair. Poor priest, poor man. He found God because he was running away from love. I heard the sadness in his tone. I saw the hurt in his footsteps. I must be careful not to fall into the trap of falling in love. Or when I do I must be sure that she will take me. Its no use trying for love. Love is love. When it works it works, when it doesn't it doesn't. You can't make love work, It just happens. Someday perhaps I will stop falling in love and perhaps they will fall in love with me. One could only pray--like the priest.

IL Telefono è il Mio Amore

2008-01-01T16:33:00.000-08:00

I watch my phone with intend to use it.
I watch it in hopes that one might call.
I see it
I stare at it.
I wait.
Ring dear friend.
Pause.
I thought the phone rang.

Loneliness is my faithful companion.
We've gotten quite close.
He gets jealous when I go out.
He hates it when my phone rings.
He fills my mind with thoughts
Thoughts that feed my desolate mood.
I wish to be left alone from loneliness
I wish my phone would ring

Uma Balada do Pobre

2008-01-01T15:58:00.000-08:00

The rich and the poor
Run amuck,
While we watch.
Homeless people starving.
Consumerism peaking.
Where is the justice?
The law targets those who are poor,
The rich are bypassed.
Those who have,
Have too much.
They give only to gain more.
The poor stay poor.
The aristocrats accumulate wealth
But they forget.
The power of the poor.
The power of the masses.
More and more are signing up.
To take hold,
To take control,
To bring balance,
To a scale that has been tipped
To one side far
Too long.

Les Jours Tristes

2008-01-01T14:38:00.000-08:00

There is so much I wish to say
Not just to you
But to the world.
We live
We die
We're forgotten.
We are reborn
We forget who we once were
We live and die and are forgotten
The cycle continues until
You break it.
Live to be remembered.
Have something to say
Anything.
Make yourself known
Arise awake
Sleep only when its time
Snooze is reserved for alarm clocks
Tic Toc
Times a ticking.
What are you waiting for?
History is history
The past is the past
Think fast or you wont last.
Tic Toc
Times a ticking.
Pause breathe
Continue.
Life goes on
Make the most of it
Make a blog and post it
Be heard
Until
You are remembered, forgotten or dead.
Life continues
Life goes on.
Stare unto space
See how small we are
Questions arise
Dizziness I feel
Faint I might
Perspective I've found.
The end is near.
Tomorrow today,
Who knows?
We live with fear.
Earth is not round,
But a sphere.
The things you thought you know,
The things you said you knew.
The human condition deteriorating,
The people who speak are few.
Let your voice be known,
Let your voice be heard.
Bronze is reserved for those who come in third.
The alpha the omega,
Show your face,
To the human race.
Times a peril,
Times a ticking,
Tic Toc,
Times up.

3:53 AM

2008-01-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was yesterday,
Or today.
Tomorrow perhaps.
History repeats itself
We never learn.

Thoughts are jumbled,
Words are mumbled.
Can't think.
Can't speak.
Things I want to say
I wont say.

Lets talk tomorrow?
Lets not.
Ever?
Never...

3:53 AM
Like it was a dream
So long ago.
Or was it yesterday?
Tomorrow perhaps
Will happen again.
History repeats itself
We never learn.

As I was eating Raisin Bran I pondered...

2007-12-29T23:58:00.000-08:00

This is a story about a grape.
There once was...
No...
There once lived a beautiful grape.
It stood tall on top of the highest point of the vine.
All the other grapes envied her,
For she was the most beautiful grape they had ever seen.
Thus she had no friends.
One day a new grape grew next to her.
She was very excited for no grape would ever grow next to her,
And if they did,
They would quickly turn into raisins.
But this grape was different.
He was different.
He noticed her.
Not just for her beauty,
But something else.
He was of course very attracted to her.
But aside from that
There was something different.
They soon grew very close to each other.
She spoke to him of her fears and troubles.
She told him of how she hated being attached to a vine.
She spoke of limitations and constraints.
He reminded her that if it were not for this vine,
Then she would not be as beautiful as she is.
If she were to detach herself from the vine,
Then surely she would turn into a raisin.
She stated that surely life was not all about beauty.
Surely there was more to life than that.
Surely she wanted to escape.
To be free
To explore.
Tomorrow she said "I will do it".
And she did.
And he followed.
And for the first time they felt the ground.
The ground that they constantly stared at.
The ground that had sparked numerous conversations.
The ground that they had only dreamed of touching.
There they sat.
There they sit.
Together
Two
Happy Raisins.

I ate the head of a chocolate Santa

2007-12-28T00:19:00.000-08:00

I ate the head of a chocolate Santa,
and I enjoyed it too.
I took off his thin tin clothes off,
and bit his head off.
The more clothes I peeled
The more I found out how terribly deceived I've been.
The detail in his clothes suggested a jolly old man.
What I found underneath was completely different.
"Defective perhaps" is what I thought.
I opened another,
and another.
They all seem to be the same.
They all have the same expression,
The same detail,
The same taste,
They all where the same Santa!
"How could that be" I thought...
If they were to speak would they all sound the same?
Could anything original come from any of them?
If it did then they probably would be sitting now in the defective pile of the factory.
How delicious these must taste I wondered.
If only all Santa's could come defective.
Perhaps I would not consume them,
But enjoy them.
I must write to the factory and ask for all the defective Santas.
I want them,
I need them,
The world needs them!
What do they do with them?
Destroy them?
Or perhaps melt them,
and condition them to fit to the proper mold.
Soon they will be more efficient.
More Santas will be made to fit the proper mold.
They will come out with brighter more colorful packages
To hide the easily meltable interior.
Merry Christmas....