Sunday, June 26, 2011

My moment

I wanted to pause a moment today. It wasn't a funny nor dramatic moment, nor did a life changing event occur. I was just sitting in my car looking at the side of a building, completely at peace. Nothing bothered me, I thought of no deadlines, nor did I think of work. I didn't think of my crumbling relationship, or my financial status. I thought of nothing but how great it was to be alive. To be alive at this precise moment. To not have a care in the world, but at the same time care for the world immensely. I wish I could always live in this moment. That I could capture this moment in a fragrance, so that every time I feel stressed out I could just spray it and inhale it. Breath the moment anew again. Life is hard, but it's in these moments that make it seem worth while. It's a privilege to be alive. Many don't get the chance. Many waste their opportunities. Many hate, and love suspiciously. Too many are self absorbed with self importance, and many much too many have lost hope. This world is changing and the leaders that turn the wheels of Government have lost touch with society. They involve themselves with numbers and not faces. Statistics, and not individual stories. We the people stand alone because we have forgotten what together feels like. They have replaced our voices with voice boxes, a distant echo of what our voices once sounded like. Spirituality has been replaced with individuality, and our sense of identity is glued together by a repressed fear of who we think we are. We are a nation of lost souls. A moment was needed. Now I know why.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I was eaten by a lobo and spat out a new man

Seldom do we get the chance to escape the routine of urban life. Sunday, I took that chance and ran with it. Me and my girl hiked three miles up a steep trail, carrying 40 lbs of gear, and an abundance of adventure. The bags were so heavy that the initial ten steps taken were a test of our heart and courage. It would have been easy to say never, to give up on our adventure, and chalk it up to a "good try, better luck next time". No, we decided to keep going; no matter how much our shoulders ached, no matter how uncomfortable it was, and no matter how many no's my mind could come up with, WE KEPT GOING DAMN IT!
Because of our Sunday work schedule we were not able to start the hike until 5:30pm. We had to get to camp by 7pm at the very least, so that we could have some daylight left to gather wood and set up camp. We didn't want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere in total darkness. So we marched quickly, checking in with each other, and keeping conversation to a minimum due to the fact that heavy breathing took it's place. We got to camp in just under an hour, a time in which I am very proud of. It was a real testament of how strong willed the body can be when faced with ultimatums. Once at camp we took a minute to catch our breath and then immediately went to work in setting up the tent. When that was done, we went on to gather wood. While I was gathering wood I couldn't help to think about how life was back in the days. The endless chores of things to do and things to get done. People didn't have time to get depressed or to wonder about the meaning of their existence. They were just trying to survive one twig at a time. Every piece of wood I grabbed I gave a mental thanks to it for letting me use it for the fire. It sounds silly to thank wood, but I believe that every object has a life, and every object is part of the glory of God. The death of the wood sustains the fire, and for this it should be thanked. The gathering of wood ended with a stockpile of timber sure to last us all night. There was still about 30 minutes left of daylight when we started the fire and began to eat our supper. It consisted of mini hot dogs as appetizers, rice and tuna for our dinner, and roasted marshmallows for dessert. We were set, or so we thought. It wasn't long after night fell that the lobos started howling. Initially me and my girl got real tense because although they sounded off to the distance, they sounded as if they were headed towards our camp. So we kept a sharp look out for them. Shinning the flash light at every ruffle of leaves around us. Most noises were made by rabbits or rats, but it was scary nonetheless. An hour had passed since we last heard the pack of lobos. So we began not to worry so much about them and enjoy our time together. We played music and talked about the importance of moments like this one. The importance of the break of urban routine. Out there in the wilderness you feel human again. We were wild long ago, and now I fear society has been tamed by ambition. It's important to progress, to have technology, to communicate with the world at lightning speeds, but it is also important to remain human. It's great to be interconnected, to have modern social applications such as twiter, and facebook. But it seems to me that these applications are used to acquire shallow objectives. We are officially in the "me" society. Pay attention to me, look at me, comment me, add me! We are the sheep bleating away one post at a time. Now here in the wilderness, I was what we used to be, the sheep bleating away wildly happily at being one with nature. Then, we heard them again. The lobos. Now their howls and chatter were even closer than before. We immediately put more wood in the fire, I picked up my axe and she her wooden weapon and braised for impact. We looked around, but saw nothing. At this moment I ceased to be Camilo the city boy, and became Camilo the human. Protecting my beloved was followed by the thought of seeking shelter. So we hid in the tent, looking out for any lobos through the cracks of our meshed window. There we stayed and sat for a few minutes. I immediately drifted into fantasy of what was to come if the lobos appeared. I had a game plan. I was going to turn the radio up all the way and make caveman like instinctual noises to scare them away. I was getting excited thinking about it. If they attacked the tend and we were in danger, I would wait it out until finaly it was absolutely necessary to give them a few good wacks with my hand axe. I was not going to loose my life or my beloveds life because of them. I just didn't want to take it to that place, I didn't want to spend my "relaxing" day off dismembering lobos. Needless to say, the never showed. We fell asleep, occasionally waking up to the sounds of the lobos near the camp. I said a prayer and they went away as quickly as they came. We woke in the morning drained, but grateful to have survived the night. We made breakfast and packed our things. As we headed back to civilization I thought of our mini escape from society. How we left it all behind to spend time with the animals and each other. I earned a new respect for my girlfriend. I learned how blessed I am to be with her, a strong spirit who never caved in to fear. Who was also able to carry her own weight without ever saying never. I also earned a new found respect for me. I had the courage to stand up, be a man, and protect my girl. Even though they never showed, they did in my imagination, and I was ready for them. I was ready to fight for survival if needed to. It's interesting when you watch action movies or scary movies, you always fell a sense of danger. But with it also comes a sense of safety. The movie can't jump out of the T.V screen and hurt you. No matter how advanced 3D technology gets, it will never happen. Lawyers just wouldn't allow it. But out here in the woods, there was no pause button, no turning off of anything. We couldn't turn off the sounds of the lobos, or the critters making the brushy noise near the tent. We had to endure it. Our only safety was found within ourselves and each other.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


Recently I've had the pleasure of being hired on as a script supervisor for a pilot. It shoots for six days over the weekends. The hours are kind of rough, 7pm to 7am, but totally worth it. I must say that I have learned more about acting in these last 4 days, than I have in the last six months. It's such an eye opening experience. Ultimately, I believe that acting is not as serious as I thought, and much more fun than expected. I think this is the mind set that I had initialy had about acting, but somewhere along the way, I got lost in objectives, sources, actions, that I forgot to simply be a kid in a sandbox.
Being part of the crew on the other side of things, has really given me not only a fresh new perspective on the whole process. but also a new added confidence. I used to be scared when walking on set. I guess it had to do with meeting everyone's expectations for the shot. I realized that no one, except for the director, cares what you do or how you do it. Everybody has a job that they are concerned about, and are too busy focusing on that task, that the acting becomes secondary to the whole process. So the judgement I've always felt was pretty much all in my head. I'm not so freaking IMPORTANT! And it feels great.

Also, I have realized that I can do this. It's not so hard, or at least it's not as hard as I made it out to be. I can't wait till my next audition.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Joaquin Sabina | 19 dias y 500 noches

Someday I'm going to go to Spain to see this genius perform.

Missing my Creative Casa

Lately it seems as if things have not moved fast enough for me. It's been a bit frustrating not to have someone to influence me artistically. I'm missing a guide. My acting is struggling. I've tried to turn to my acting teacher, but he is as available as I have been in my work lately. Lately, not yesterday, hopefully not tomorrow, but now. Before, I used to have someone that pushed me, that made me want to create. I used to think that I was going to change the world, this thought kept me going for a while. I'm overwhelmed by the immenseness of it all. If only people could be less selfish, if only I saw a sign of hope to keep my mission from crumbling. I have decided to create for myself, but for some reason this thought is not as alluring as the former. I want to give to the world, and recently the world has drained me. My speech goes unnoticed, and my connection to the outside world is awkward at best.
I began to write something... A play.
Somewhere along the way I got lost, caught up in realism, minimalism, transformationalism! I hope this play brings me back home.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I don't know what it is about hands lately that has got me so mystified. You can really tell about a man in how they shake hands. A firm handshake is a must in my book. It's a sure sign of a solid individual. A half given handshake is a sign of a dishonest man, or at least one that doesn't trust you fully to give you a proper one. A handshake that comes in from the top instead of straight on is a sure sign of femininity. The handshake that barely grabs fingers, is a tell tell that the person giving this shake is appaled by you or the whole process of shaking hands.
This of course is really all hypotheticals, It's the data I've gathered over the course of time. I've really have not tried to keep track, but recently it has been impossible for me not to notice other peoples hands. The texture, feel, and size of the opposing hand relatively to my own. At times when shaking hands I get disgusted, but most the time I get completly curious about the other person via their hand.

I wonder what this all means.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

stuck in the lost and found

Haven't wrote in a while. Recently I've not had the time for it. Here it goes,

I got a new job. I started as a production assistant for a small production studio. I actually got the job through my sister. I made sure to work hard and be on time every day. My sister was a big part of the company at the time and I didn't want her to loose face on my account. So I busted my ass. My sister was the production coordinator at the time and was also running script supervisor when we were on set. My sister ended up leaving the company because she got offered a job at BBC running their Internet advertisement, or something like that. I'm still unclear of what she actually does, but apart from being exhausted, she is very happy there. Anyway, she left and they offered me her job as script supervisor. It's a much bigger pay rate and I don't have to do random errands or complicated coffee runs. The producer always praised my diligence at script supervising, even at times having the guts to correct the director and slowing him down if he needed to slate a certain take differently. So I feel as like a puzzle piece with a proper place now. Where people appreciate my work. Haven't felt that in a while. Last week the producer asked me if I wanted to do some office work in the morning, and I of course agreed under the condition that if I were to have an audition they would be willing to work with me so that I do not miss it. They agreed. So now like my friend (for whom I have not talked too, but recently was delighted to find her charming words on my page) I too work in an office. I make important calls, file away paper work, and have recently learned how to use excel. I had no clue what I was getting my self into. Lots of time the producer gives me a task and I have no clue how to accomplish it. I sit in my desk and try to figure it out for a few minutes while looking as if I know exactly what I am doing. I google things and get a few ideas. I might even ask the person next to me for a clue or two, then I begin solving the dilemma. I give myself a time frame and take it one step at a time. Once I'm done and figured it out I turn the project in to my producer and closely observe his body language. Projects assigned closer to the morning produce less body language from the producer than the once right after the lunch time. So I take this into account when trying to figure out if I accomplished my task correctly. Most of the time I pass with flying colors. There are a few times when I come home and laugh at what I had actually done at work, or said for that matter. I always feel so awkward in new social settings. Having never worked at a fully staffed office, combined with my natural awkwardness, makes for an amusing result. I wonder what people think of me? Yet, I believe this question is the root of the problem. Is it a problem? Perhaps this post is a bit to harsh on myself, I'm not that weird, am I?

I believe I'm stuck in the lost and found...