Sunday, November 28, 2010

Mathematical Sabbatical

All my life I've thought numbers were not my friend. Yet, I stand corrected. I have made friends with numbers once and for all. The war between my left brain and the right has come to a halt, and perhaps a harmonious future between these two great powers can be achieved! I have managed to make a budget for myself, with complex tables and graphs, to which I have one month to this day completed. Here I thought my whole life that I was never going to be able to get it together financialy, and I have taken the first steps to avoid this catastrophic future.
It really all came out of necessity. Money has been really tight lately, so I decided to take a stand against my self destructive spending habits. I'm not a money person. It's not in me to be cheap with my money. But I must learn to manage it, and perhaps some day make it make more money. The goal is to provide for those that I love. Maybe, even give it in generous proportions to a stranger. But in order to get to this place I must have lots of it. So I need to learn how to save it, before giving it. I work at a restaurant, and as a server I am required to tip out my bus boys and who ever helped me that day. I've always tipped them generously, but now I will just tip them fairly. Last month, if I didn't make a budget for myself, and if I didn't meticulously write down everything I spend, I don't know what I would have done. I broke even this month, even though I had projected myself to be in debt by $100. So I did good. I really don't have anyone to turn to for money. Nor have I ever asked anyone for help. I always feel weird about these types of conversations and just try to avoid them. Anyway, I plan to keep on this track and see where it takes me.
I have a roast in the oven so I must go handle that.

Friday, November 12, 2010


So the other day I told off a casting director. It's a long story and seeing that I already had to explain myself to my agent and manager, I'll tell you the short version of it. Basically the casting director yelled (when I mean yell, I mean in a tone that not even my own mother has spoke to me in) at me in front of the other actors for not doing as she had previously told me to do. I don't mind taking direction and if I'm doing something wrong, then I admit my faults and try my best to colaborate creatively. The fact of the matter was that I was not being paid to be there, she isn't the director, and in no way am I going to take being humiliated and disrespected by someone who thinks that they are "better" than me because they are a casting director. We live in a town of yes men/women, and I am not one of these people. After the audition I approached the casting director and politely pleaded my case for the right to be respected. I told her that I would never speak to her in the way she spoke to me because I have respect for her as a casting director, and that I would expect the same respect in return for me as an actor. She walked away from the conversation and I knew at that instant that I had won. Although, I knew perhaps I would never get called back to her office, I felt good. And, although I didn't mean to do this, I had told her off in the waiting room in front of all the other actors. You can just imagine everyones faces as I walked out, I wondered what they thought? Were they on my side? Did they think I was a prick? Did I inspire someone to someday stand up for themselves as I impulsively had done? Who knows. I get home and sure enough I get a phone call from my agent asking what went down. Apparently they had called to complain about me. I explaned to my agent the circumstances and by the end of the conversation he was on my side, still he said to never do it again. Also, the kicker is, the casting director wants me back. Yup, I got a callback. She liked my look and liked what I was doing.
I think I was 90% right, still I admit it was a dumb thing to do. I spoke to my sister on the phone about it and she told me to look at what truly set me off. After thinking and thinking about it I came up to the conclusion that I've been looking at acting completely backwards. I've been complicating the shit out of it. The casting director, as cunty as she was, had a good point. I was doing too much, I needed to be more simple. I guess I don't feel alive unless I feel it, and perhaps this notion has got to go. I've been running away from simply being me. This is a common malady of mine, me thinking that I am not enough. I've been watching a lot of T.V lately and specialy in sitcoms, there is this feeling of character that I get from the actors I'm watching. I don't buy it anymore. It's as if they are being someone only fit for T.V and that you will never come across these people in real life. I need to rewire myself to think that I am enough, and that I don't have to do any fancy dancing to feel like I am a good actor. I don't know why I have avoided this for so long. Last night I had a dream of being lifted up by an elevator not knowing how high it was going to go. At the very first instant I left the ground, I wanted to jump off, but I stayed on knowing that I had left behind the chance of getting off. Now if I wanted to jump off I faced possible death because the height was much greater than before. So I stayed on.
I think I have to be brave now, brace myself and stay on. There is no turning back.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Haloween is perhaps my favorite time of year. It is the one time of the year where people from all walks of life can feel free to express themselves and loose themselves in their costumes. Most years I celebrate it by intoxicating myself an binging on alchohol, this year was different. The police man you see above is my girlfriend's nephew and I love him very much. He is two years old and is a constant reminder to never stop playing. My girlfriend is not an actress or involved in the creative field, not to say that she is not creative, she is just not interested in making a living this way. Recently though she has mentioned that I play too much, that I never take anything serious. At first I was insulted and we fought for a few days. I felt that she was trying to minimalize my creative nature, and that she simply did not understand me. After I set aside my oversized ego I came to the conclusion that she was half right. I need to be more responsible. I think she fears that I won't be able to take care of her and provide for our future home. She has always said I am a child, but I just think she doesn't get me sometimes. She doesn't understand that my nature, the way I look at the world as a playground, will be the catalyst for many great things to come. For now I will acquiest to her demands of manhood while secretly I plot my next "childish" move. I know it may sound like she is a surpressing force in my life, but she is not. She has opened my eyes to many great consepts of living. I truly believe that she is my other half, she is my rib that my soul has longed for all these years. I love her very much and couldn't be happier with her.
This blog has been all over the place. It started with the upload of pictures and turned into something totally different. Oh well.
Good bye for now...