Friday, March 12, 2010

In the pupil I foresaw my own death

I would like to take a moment and talk about death...
Yes indeed, how morbid of me. Perhaps recent events dictate a change of perspective. I was sitting in church today before a funeral was to take place. My intent was to go and pray and take a load off, as so to speak. I sat towards the back of the church, and heard my inner voice telling me to come forward, so I did. As I kneeled down, I heard somber sounds of pain behind me. I stopped for a moment and decided to listen. Her worries suddenly became mine, and I was surprisingly affected with the same pain, or at least the same feeling of pain. I closed my eyes and began to pray. Then the doors to the church opened and I heard the sounds of wheels coming from where the somber sounds where coming from. I opened my eyes and a casket was glaringly in front of me. A man in a suit opened it and I saw an older gentleman laying silently there. I closed my eyes again fearful in looking at death so personally. I've never seen a dead person, perhaps only a person in the brink of death. Still, never have seen a dead person new thoughts began to circle through my restless head. I wondered if the mans spirit was in the church, I wondered if he was watching me as I was watching him. "Who truly was watching who?", I thought. If here I am staring at his lifeless corps, and he was staring right back at me, then I believe he had the upper hand in our staring competition. My interest then went to the mortuary man, who as if not affected, was positioning and repositioning this man ever so carefully as if he were a hospital nurse taking care of his patient. Underneath his armpit he carried an American flag, which led me to believe that this man was perhaps a war hero of some sort, who escaped death momentarily in the battlefield, to succumb to his death on his own terms. I wondered what this mans last thoughts were. Was he a happy man? Did he accomplish everything he wanted too? Was he loved? Did he love? Was he in love? It made me think of my own mortality and I thought, "life and death, birth and death, young and old we are all affected. Maybe thinking so much what the future may bring is futile, fruitless, literally a waste of time. The past is irreversible, the future inevitable, and the present unknown. Now perhaps I understand when people say to live in the unknown. I would rather live now in the unknown then worry about my future death."