Friday, December 24, 2010

Dear God


Dear ten pound just born baby Jesus,

I think I deserve a lump of coal this year, but next year will be better. Thank you for always staying by me even though my faith has drifted in all directions. Thank you for your grace and mercy. If I were to ask for anything this year, I would ask for forgiveness. If I could just have one more shot at it again, I won't waste this turn. I've been reckless with my spirit, please cleanse me from all evil and negative energies that surround my body. Let me learn to cherish all moments spent with loved ones, make the best of things, and never ever to look back, unless it is to help an old friend in need of it. Bless all my loved ones Lord. Thank you for my family, for my friends, and spiritual guides. May you always point me towards the right direction and never let me stray away from my life objective. Lord, give me the courage and fortitude to guide people towards the direction of hope. Help me to leave my insecurities behind me and focus on the future ahead of me. No matter what the obstacles, let me turn to you to get me through it. Please bring this new year a new light. A light of compassion, openness, and oneness with You and the rest of the world. I know I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. I am human, a mere man. A mortal made of flesh and bone. Forgive me if I come short of the mark, but a mark surely I will make. Guide me and help me to make my mark a spark for future generations to come.

Amen.

Merry Christmas.

Camilo

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

May I Help You

The sounds of drilling just outside my door, combined with the meditative music coming from my computer, should make for an interesting blog. I used to have someone very close to me that left, actually this has happened before. Starting with my father, the cycle seems to never end. I saw a psychic the other day, she told me to come back today. Apparently the reading is over and she could share with me the results. I found it interesting that when I called her this morning she answered the phone with, "May I help you?". In the world of caller ID, this phrase seems to be unnecessary when knowing the person that is calling you. It's a nice way to answer the phone anyway, I just thought it was interesting that's all. I'm a bit nervous for my read. The things she told me when I was there were right on. She even mentioned that in 1990 I had something tragic happen to me. She asked me if I had moved? That was actually the year that me and my family moved from Chile to the U.S. I had forgotten how tragic it was, and how many friends I left behind. I had forgotten the tears I had when waving goodbye to my family from the car window. Over time I guess I adjusted. I think I still carry all these feelings with me, subconsciously at least. So, I'm going to go back to the psychic today and tell you all about it. I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but I figure I can tell you, the anonymous figure that reads these grammatically incorrect and incoherent blogs. Sorry about that.

Oh, I think I lost my point. It was about friends and lost relationships. I think I somewhat covered it...

...I think I took it for granted. Everything. Everyone.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Part one

It's two in the morning and just got home from work. Tired, work was unsettling today. Still serving dinner and drinks to the masses. Now I'm home drinking my nightly doze of theraflu. Not because I feel really sick, but because it will help me go to sleep faster. I'm so wired from all the stress waiting tables produce. The money is good, and I would suggest anyone who wants a good (enough) income to try it. It's a bit demeaning sometimes, but most everybody is really nice.

Anyway this blog isn't really about serving tables, God knows much has been written on the topic. I am reading this book that talks about earth as a living thinking creature. It blows my mind to think that earth could be a bigger version of me. Science tries to explain and predict earth as a timely machine with no soul, and no inner workings of it's own. I don't think I like the scientific perspective. Before weather forecasts, when people wanted rain they danced for it. Now we just sit in front of the TV and expect it. I guess my point is: Where has the magic gone too? The shamans of the past are now replaced by business projectionist. The old prophetic wise men have been replaced by search engines. Where are we and where are we headed?

Chamomile is working on me now. Good night.

to be continued

Friday, December 3, 2010

Go ahead and Dream

Yesterday, fearing coming home early to an angry girlfriend, I took a detour, and it was great. I stopped by borders to see if I can get my latest doze of truth. I grabbed a book in the metaphisical section that delt with personal freedom. I sat down and began to read it. I read it from cover to cover, spend about two and a half hours marveling at the abundance free knowledge I was recieving. The teachings were not of the author, but rather of the Toltec tradition. The ancient warrior of light who fought battles not just in the battlefield, but with themselves. We are brought up to be domesticated animals, and we are taught to dream society's dream. We as humans are always dreaming, even when we are awake. We know we are dreaming when we sleep, but forget that we are dreaming when we are awake because of the linear structure of the world. Once you realize that your whole life is a dream, then you can begin to control your dreams. You choose whether you live in hell or heaven on earth.


If you are interested in the book it's titled
THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO PERSONAL FREEDOM

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Mathematical Sabbatical


All my life I've thought numbers were not my friend. Yet, I stand corrected. I have made friends with numbers once and for all. The war between my left brain and the right has come to a halt, and perhaps a harmonious future between these two great powers can be achieved! I have managed to make a budget for myself, with complex tables and graphs, to which I have one month to this day completed. Here I thought my whole life that I was never going to be able to get it together financialy, and I have taken the first steps to avoid this catastrophic future.
It really all came out of necessity. Money has been really tight lately, so I decided to take a stand against my self destructive spending habits. I'm not a money person. It's not in me to be cheap with my money. But I must learn to manage it, and perhaps some day make it make more money. The goal is to provide for those that I love. Maybe, even give it in generous proportions to a stranger. But in order to get to this place I must have lots of it. So I need to learn how to save it, before giving it. I work at a restaurant, and as a server I am required to tip out my bus boys and who ever helped me that day. I've always tipped them generously, but now I will just tip them fairly. Last month, if I didn't make a budget for myself, and if I didn't meticulously write down everything I spend, I don't know what I would have done. I broke even this month, even though I had projected myself to be in debt by $100. So I did good. I really don't have anyone to turn to for money. Nor have I ever asked anyone for help. I always feel weird about these types of conversations and just try to avoid them. Anyway, I plan to keep on this track and see where it takes me.
I have a roast in the oven so I must go handle that.
-C

Friday, November 12, 2010

Elevation


So the other day I told off a casting director. It's a long story and seeing that I already had to explain myself to my agent and manager, I'll tell you the short version of it. Basically the casting director yelled (when I mean yell, I mean in a tone that not even my own mother has spoke to me in) at me in front of the other actors for not doing as she had previously told me to do. I don't mind taking direction and if I'm doing something wrong, then I admit my faults and try my best to colaborate creatively. The fact of the matter was that I was not being paid to be there, she isn't the director, and in no way am I going to take being humiliated and disrespected by someone who thinks that they are "better" than me because they are a casting director. We live in a town of yes men/women, and I am not one of these people. After the audition I approached the casting director and politely pleaded my case for the right to be respected. I told her that I would never speak to her in the way she spoke to me because I have respect for her as a casting director, and that I would expect the same respect in return for me as an actor. She walked away from the conversation and I knew at that instant that I had won. Although, I knew perhaps I would never get called back to her office, I felt good. And, although I didn't mean to do this, I had told her off in the waiting room in front of all the other actors. You can just imagine everyones faces as I walked out, I wondered what they thought? Were they on my side? Did they think I was a prick? Did I inspire someone to someday stand up for themselves as I impulsively had done? Who knows. I get home and sure enough I get a phone call from my agent asking what went down. Apparently they had called to complain about me. I explaned to my agent the circumstances and by the end of the conversation he was on my side, still he said to never do it again. Also, the kicker is, the casting director wants me back. Yup, I got a callback. She liked my look and liked what I was doing.
I think I was 90% right, still I admit it was a dumb thing to do. I spoke to my sister on the phone about it and she told me to look at what truly set me off. After thinking and thinking about it I came up to the conclusion that I've been looking at acting completely backwards. I've been complicating the shit out of it. The casting director, as cunty as she was, had a good point. I was doing too much, I needed to be more simple. I guess I don't feel alive unless I feel it, and perhaps this notion has got to go. I've been running away from simply being me. This is a common malady of mine, me thinking that I am not enough. I've been watching a lot of T.V lately and specialy in sitcoms, there is this feeling of character that I get from the actors I'm watching. I don't buy it anymore. It's as if they are being someone only fit for T.V and that you will never come across these people in real life. I need to rewire myself to think that I am enough, and that I don't have to do any fancy dancing to feel like I am a good actor. I don't know why I have avoided this for so long. Last night I had a dream of being lifted up by an elevator not knowing how high it was going to go. At the very first instant I left the ground, I wanted to jump off, but I stayed on knowing that I had left behind the chance of getting off. Now if I wanted to jump off I faced possible death because the height was much greater than before. So I stayed on.
I think I have to be brave now, brace myself and stay on. There is no turning back.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Haloween!









Haloween is perhaps my favorite time of year. It is the one time of the year where people from all walks of life can feel free to express themselves and loose themselves in their costumes. Most years I celebrate it by intoxicating myself an binging on alchohol, this year was different. The police man you see above is my girlfriend's nephew and I love him very much. He is two years old and is a constant reminder to never stop playing. My girlfriend is not an actress or involved in the creative field, not to say that she is not creative, she is just not interested in making a living this way. Recently though she has mentioned that I play too much, that I never take anything serious. At first I was insulted and we fought for a few days. I felt that she was trying to minimalize my creative nature, and that she simply did not understand me. After I set aside my oversized ego I came to the conclusion that she was half right. I need to be more responsible. I think she fears that I won't be able to take care of her and provide for our future home. She has always said I am a child, but I just think she doesn't get me sometimes. She doesn't understand that my nature, the way I look at the world as a playground, will be the catalyst for many great things to come. For now I will acquiest to her demands of manhood while secretly I plot my next "childish" move. I know it may sound like she is a surpressing force in my life, but she is not. She has opened my eyes to many great consepts of living. I truly believe that she is my other half, she is my rib that my soul has longed for all these years. I love her very much and couldn't be happier with her.
This blog has been all over the place. It started with the upload of pictures and turned into something totally different. Oh well.
Good bye for now...

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Enough is Enough

I am the line that has no shape.
Falling in line behind order,
Soon to emerge as the one to create it.
I am the shape shifter.
I am the madness creeping to get out,
to see the light,
to call the fight.
I am the one who you said no to,
I am the one who will emerge.
The conman has no hope.
I have arrived and let it begin.
I'm here to stay.
Although the journey may be tough,
Let it be with me in the fight,
Let my wings take the flight.
I am Sir Newton's lowly kite

Saturday, August 21, 2010

So I pray and wait and see...

Twilight, I spend half the night awake.
Twilight, I spend half the night I pray.
Twilight, as if to say dawn may never come
Twilight, thirteen nights and so on

The dark spirits that revolve around me may never be realized now thanks to you.
You are my guiding light, you are my guardian angel.
At first I did not believe,
But now my eyes have grown,
My wings have expanded twice the size of me,
I see, I fly.
I speak of things to come and things to see.
I feel whole again.
The spirit lies close and I see the light in the shadow of me.
The closed doors that have been locked for seemingly eternity,
Are now open.
I peek inside to see what I've always dreamed to see
I can be what I've always dreamed to be.
No one can stop me from obtaining thee
Not even my three enemies.
So I pray and wait and see...

Friday, August 20, 2010

I am Julius Caesar

Looking out my window I see a new day approaching. A new dawn begins to emerge as I ponder about my future. I lived a glorious past, I was Julius Caesar. I was a warrior once that emerged an Emperor. I can do it again, I can see it fast approaching. I took it easy today, knowing what is to become of my life. I lived a little less today, knowing how full my life will begin to be. I laid in my bed all day. I have things to do, but I know they will get done. I feel more powerful than ever, and a strange sense of nostalgia has taken over my person. A super high I have never felt, and all I've done is smell three candles. Three handles that hold my destiny, hold my future. Three candles that will open the gates to this cage that has bound me for some time, two years to be exact. I have many enemies who wish for me to remain in my cage, but I fear them no more. It's time to bleed, time to dirty the hands that have remained so clean, time to look at the fear that has held me and destroy it with my teeth. I will emerge, I have before. I went down in history as the best ruler of all of Rome. My past is done now, now what will I do with my future. I have chosen to live again, and I intend to do just that. With faith as little as a mustard seed one can move mountains, and as my faith grows I feel the earth shake from the ground right under me. I will shake this world, and rule it once more as I once did so long long ago.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Fifty Nine Deaths from Heartbreak Alone this Year

Fifty nine deaths this year alone from heartbreak. The year is young as young as love is. How easy we forget those we loved. How fast we move along. Zip through the music as if you hadn't heard it. Dance to the tune of your own heart beating, until it breaks. A pause in the step of a step not worth taking. Fifty nine deaths from heartbreak and counting. One by one we all go down, until eventually we find those who are meant to be found. Then what? The independence you once had is completely gone and the stacks of compromised ideals begin to pile up. Then, once you feel you've had enough, it's not so easy to break up. Break up the heart that was one made whole by the person you wish to leave. But you must leave because the world misses you. All this time you were in love, the world kept spinning and moving along. You wake up and realize that this perhaps was a waste of time, but you wouldn't dare think that twice. No regrets. So where to go from here? See, fifty nine deaths from heartbreak alone this year.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Patricia

My life has changed. I have a beautiful woman in my life whom I've been with for almost a year. She has taught me many things about myself, directly and indirectly. She is quite a unique creature. She is very very weird, and she thinks she is normal. She's an effortless weirdo. You know those people that are weird, but they know they are being weird, almost like they go out of their way to be weird. She is not one of those people.
She is strong and loyal to me. We get into fights here and there, but most of the time we spent laughing and enjoying our time together. She is artistically creative, but she doesn't know it, someday she will see it. She loves and she cares, oh and she cooks. Man does she cook. All she wants from me is love, and this I am happy to give to her. I love her with all my heart.

Friday, March 12, 2010

In the pupil I foresaw my own death

I would like to take a moment and talk about death...
Yes indeed, how morbid of me. Perhaps recent events dictate a change of perspective. I was sitting in church today before a funeral was to take place. My intent was to go and pray and take a load off, as so to speak. I sat towards the back of the church, and heard my inner voice telling me to come forward, so I did. As I kneeled down, I heard somber sounds of pain behind me. I stopped for a moment and decided to listen. Her worries suddenly became mine, and I was surprisingly affected with the same pain, or at least the same feeling of pain. I closed my eyes and began to pray. Then the doors to the church opened and I heard the sounds of wheels coming from where the somber sounds where coming from. I opened my eyes and a casket was glaringly in front of me. A man in a suit opened it and I saw an older gentleman laying silently there. I closed my eyes again fearful in looking at death so personally. I've never seen a dead person, perhaps only a person in the brink of death. Still, never have seen a dead person new thoughts began to circle through my restless head. I wondered if the mans spirit was in the church, I wondered if he was watching me as I was watching him. "Who truly was watching who?", I thought. If here I am staring at his lifeless corps, and he was staring right back at me, then I believe he had the upper hand in our staring competition. My interest then went to the mortuary man, who as if not affected, was positioning and repositioning this man ever so carefully as if he were a hospital nurse taking care of his patient. Underneath his armpit he carried an American flag, which led me to believe that this man was perhaps a war hero of some sort, who escaped death momentarily in the battlefield, to succumb to his death on his own terms. I wondered what this mans last thoughts were. Was he a happy man? Did he accomplish everything he wanted too? Was he loved? Did he love? Was he in love? It made me think of my own mortality and I thought, "life and death, birth and death, young and old we are all affected. Maybe thinking so much what the future may bring is futile, fruitless, literally a waste of time. The past is irreversible, the future inevitable, and the present unknown. Now perhaps I understand when people say to live in the unknown. I would rather live now in the unknown then worry about my future death."